There has been a lot of talk lately about how Hollywood seems to have run out of good ideas (or any original ideas). And with rumors and reports of movies based on Battleship, Monopoly, Candy Land, and Asteroids floating around on the internet, it is hard to not buy into that theory. But we here at the Weekly Constitutional know that sometimes it is better when Hollywood does not come up with their own original ideas.
So here they are for you, true believer... Five movies we have no fucking idea exactly how anyone ever green lit them...
5. The Wiz
A ninety minute Nintendo commercial staring Fred Savage and Christian Slater. The thing that makes this movie horrific is that I can remember waiting with baited breathe for this steaming pile to make its way out of the theater because the commercials showed the little boy in the movie (who I am pretty sure was retarded or something in the flick) playing with the yet to be released Powerglove and Super Mario Bros 3, only to have my heart ripped out due to it being so unbearably horrible. Pretty sure this movie got made because a few heavy handshakes were passed around a board room
4. Howard the Duck
If anyone ever doubted that there was a shitload of coke going around in the 80s...
Back before George Lucas decided he was going to shit all over his legacy, he gave the world a steaming pile of crap known to one and all as Howard the Duck, a flick in which a sexually charged twenty something duck from another world somehow finds himself on Earth and dating Lea Thompson.
3. Three Men and a Baby
Ok, so you cast Tom Seleck, Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg in a film where a mother drops off a baby at her father's bachelor pad forcing Magnum P.I., the douche from Police Academy, and Sam "May-day" Malone to settle down their swinging dick playboy lives and care for the child. Throw in a shit load of bad 80's music montages, and (just for shits and giggles) throw in a little heroin for kicks. It's like The French Connection with a baby, hence hilarity ensuing...
2. Over the Top
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at the coke party where this gem was proposed...
"Sylvester Stallone stars as a trucker trying to reconnect with his estranged son by taking him on a cross country road trip to become the world's greatest arm wrestler."
"So he's an arm wrestler..."
"Yea... we can have him doing arm curls while he is driving... and ohhh... when he is feeling like he is about to lose, he 'kicks it into second gear' by turning his hat on backwards and adjusting his grip."
"So then why doesn't he just wear the hat backwards and star out in his special grip?"
"Duh... because then it wouldn't be a second gear..."
"Can you give the boy a climactic scene where he confronts his own demons and defeats a bully by arm wrestling?"
"All ready in the script..."
It's the worst bar in the world (which, ironically enough, is not located in New York, L.A., Chicago, Atlanta, Las Vegas but in a small shit hole of a town somewhere in middle America), being made that way by a gang of awful hillbillies (including Terry Funk and the old guy who picked on Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf). So the bar hires Dalton (played by the diminutive Patrick Swayze), the world's greatest bouncer. But this bar is far too hardcore... even for Dalton... So he brings in his cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking Yoda (Sam Elliott) to help him clean things up. Add in a few bad fight scenes, a blind white blues guitarist, and Kelly Lynch's horrific naked body (her boobs look like to fried eggs that have been nailed to a chain link fence) and you have yourself a steaming pile of original film making that to be quite honest is so bad that it becomes epic. (If you do not believe that this movie was just a bad idea through and through, just realize that unlike every other movie plot that ever turned a profit, this one has never ever been recycled. That is how bad this movie is...)