In a summer where Hollywood actually did film themselves throwing shit against the wall and seeing if people would actually go see it, the expectations were not high for G.I. Joe:the Rise of Cobra. A two hour commercial for toys that have not been popular since Reagan was President is just what a summer plagued with lackluster freedom fighters, racist robots, and wizards punching the clown needed... yet another quarter million dollar testament to just how stupid the Entertainment Industry believes the movie going public to be.
For weeks now, movie goers have been seemingly warned in 30 second incriments of just what we could expect from the G.I. Joe movie. Scenes of the Joes dressed up like the Master Chief tickled the fancies of toy makers and toddlers the world over but to those of us who remember what G.I. Joe was all about, our stomaches turned. But worry not friend, for in the face of failure, there is always some hope (or at least that is the hope of the whores lining up for Flavor of Love 3).
In G.I. Joe:the Rise of Cobra, the premise is simple and virtually unfuckable. You have a terrorist organization bent on global destruction and no one can stop them... No one, that is, except for an elite group of soldiers recruited from all the armies of the free world. Add a few cheap chuckles, millions in CG effects, a few well timed explosions and prest-o change-o... you have a summer blockbuster in the making (Hell, you just summed up the career of Bruce Willis)...
So, how does G.I. Joe measure up???
- Let's just get this out of the way now... this flick ain't blowing up anyone's skirt. To be completely truthful, within the first few seconds of this movie, it becomes very clear that this movie is just bad. And I mean real bad... But it is in that badness that this movie finds it's strength... it knows it is bad and it goes with it. It has no false preconceptions that it is more than what it is... It seems to understand that it is a movie based upon action figures and a lousy cartoon and never sets it's sights higher than that, which works for it, making this a very enjoyable two hour popcorn film that just flies by.
- When it comes to acting, it does not speak highly when the best actor in the film has zippie dialogue. That being said, Marlon Wayans, the do-able red head they casted to be Scarlett, and the rest of the supporting cast (omitting Channing Tatum and Dennis Quaid , which we will get to in a minute) are actually decent. Even the pair of breasts from Forgetting Sarah Marshall manages not to make this flick a total disaster. Also, do not be deterred by the fact that in the cinematic version of G.I. Joe, the real American hero has been replaced by an elite group of multinational super soldiers. While Heavy Duty and a few of the other characters may have hailed from foreign lands, the brunt of the Joes are from the good ol' US of A (which means that much like in real life, while the rest of the world likes to have a piece of the action, the majority of the ass kicking comes from the Red, White, and Blue)...
- The producers didn't spend a single cent on any semblance of a script. But they did make sure that every costume, every vehicle, and every gun looked like it came out of the 1980's cartoon, as well a making sure that unlike other summer blockbusters (ahem Wolverine) the CG looked amazing.
The Not So Good:
- While the movie actually has a fairly compelling story driving it, the nuts and bolts of the script are fucking putrid. Every five minutes there is either a mindless, unnecessary flashback or one of the main characters (or in one amazing awkward scene, all of the main characters) summing up the plot to make sure that everyone is following along. And then there is the dialogue...One bad cliche spewed out after another which leads us to the next issue with this flick...
- Channing Tatum. Watching this dreamy douche chew up scenes with his shitty delivery of basic lines is like watching cows chew up cud. It's hard to make shitty dialogue worse, but somehow he manages to do so. Also, as much as we would like to give Dennis Quaid a pass for mailing in a performance or two (mainly because Everybody's All American is a ridiculous movie), there is no excuse for turning out drivel like this.
- As much as we liked the costuming of the characters, one man's outfit was so awkward that it disturbed us. Snake Eye's suit had pouty lips which never moved (because Snake Eyes does not talk) and abs making him a cod piece short of the nippled Batman outfit from Batman & Robin. Also, the breast plate that Scarlett has on has boobs cut into it as well as a thong. Not a negative per say, but you will notice it.
Simplistic, predictable, and not in any way daring to be great, G.I. Joe actually manages to be thoroughly entertaining (much like The Mummy series did). It does not take itself seriously, and it is in that fact that this flick manages to not screw the pooch as much as we would have originally thought it would. That being said, unless you can steal someone's student ID go see this flick as a matinee. We are giving this flick a very generous three flushes.