At the end of the year, movie critics like to tell the world what the feel were the best (and worst) pictures of the year. And we are no different. But unlike all the other critics who are really putting their nuts on the line by cramming their list with boring critically acclaimed garbage and weird foreign films only the three or four art house geeks in any given city might have caught, we are gonna talk about the movies that really matter (you know... the ones we have all seen). So without further adieu, we bring you The Weekly Constitutional's Best in Film '09...
Top 5 Movies of 2009
5). The Forth Kind
While millions (and millions) of rubes were busy being kept up all night by a $16,000 shaky cam flick about a demon keeping the most boring couple in America awake at night (Paranormal Activity), we were kept up for nights by The Forth Kind, an alien abduction flick claiming to be fueled by a previously untold true story and real file footage.
4). The Hangover
We know every douche bag in America heralded this R rated comedy as the Second Coming of Old School. And while the flick was slightly overrated, it still was by far the best comedy of the year.
3). Star Trek
Hands down, the best popcorn flick of the year.
Visually outstanding, a great sci-fi story which was old school Star Trek nerdy enough for the die hards, but palatable enough for mainstream audiences, and near perfect casting drive J.J. Abrams' revitalization of the classic science fiction television and movie series.
2). District 9
A different kind of alien invasion flick brought to us by Peter Jackson. This movie gives us stupid and lazy aliens (for the most part) and the humans are paranoid, oppressive, and (for lack of a better word) racist towards or intergalactic guests.
An interesting plot, astounding special effects, and an impressive performance by new comer Sharlto Copley highlight this fresh sci-fi action flick.
1) Inglorious Basterds
By far, the best film we have seen all year (though in the interest of ful disclosure, the race between this flick and District 9 was closer than one would think). Quinton Tarantino's World War II fantasy following Brad Pitt, the intern from The Office, and the director of the Hostel series as the traipse around Northern France ruthlessly slaughtering any and all Natzees they come across.
There is little doubt that Oscar will no doubt snub this film for best picture consideration (even with the expanded nominees this year) but mark our words on this one... Christoph Waltz (who co-star in the movie as the "Jew Hunter" Col. Hans Landa) will take home an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.
A two and a half hour running time and scene after scene of blue flopping penis proved to be too much for the visually stunning epic about a world here the superheroes are as imperfect and flawed as the "Normies" they are sworn to protect.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Rafa)-
Racist robots and Shia LeBeouf/ Megan Fox overload aside, watching the Devastator battle Autobots in the middle of the Egyptian desert is enough to get a few heavier heartbeats out of anyone who loved the cartoon from the 80's.
Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law bring the "buddy cop" formula to jolly ol' London-town in Guy Richie's high adrenaline cinematic joyride (though at times, you get the distinct impression that Holmes and Watson seem more intent on banging each other than on solving mysteries...)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Gabe)-
For months, the internet was all a clatter about how God awful the live action version of the 1980's carton was going to be. It ended up being actually a very tolerable action movie (all be it a shitty G.I. Joe movie) that was fun to watch and better than it deserved to be.
Half assed special effects, swishy mutants (ahem, Gambit) and a thrown together script held together with bubble gum and Hugh Jackman's pecs left comic book nerds the world over feeling unfulfilled.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop-
We are less disappointed in a movie that after a few bong hits is funnier than it deserves to be than we are in the half retarded country that made this film among the highest grossing films of the year.
Two movies in one summer (Terminator: Salvation and Public Enemies) ruined by the fact that or some reason Christian Bale has forgotten that he was once a good actor.