How does one remove Van Halen's new "Tattoo"?

van_halen_logoRemember that scene in The Matrix where Mouse was going on and on with Neo about how he feels he may have never before enjoyed Tasty Wheat because- having lived inside of a computer his whole life prior to joining The Resistance- he had only had what a computer told him Tasty Wheat was supposed to taste like and being that computers are incapable of any of the human senses, including taste, the machines would have no idea what Tasty Wheat was supposed to taste like therefore meaning that Mouse too had no idea what Tasty Wheat was supposed to taste like???

Well if this he had been talking about music, the new Van Halen song would be his post-apocalyptic Tasty Wheat

Born more from mathematic formula than from a deeply inborn desire to rock your proverbial pants off (and, should you happen to be a busty California girl, your literal ones as well), Van Halen drops upon an unsuspecting public “Tattoo”, their first song with the (almost) original line-up (Original bassist Michael Anthony had a falling out with the brothers Halen when he had the gall to go earn money with friend and former bandmate Sammy Hagar. He is replaced in this new incarnation of the super group by Wolfie Van Halen, Eddie’s portly son) in over twenty years (twenty four, if I am not mistaken).

Check it out… Really, we insist…


Oh god…

Tattoo… tattoo… tattoo…

That god awful hook opens this nearly five minute opus heralding the return of three rock gods that perhaps should have left well enough alone.

From there the song kind of just exists; a paint by numbers approach to the art of rocking:

Van-Halen-580x300Riff here, talk sung lyrics trying to turn something most housewives now have done on at the mall into some sort of edgy thing (oddly similar to their equally laughable efforts to make us forget that they hate one another by singing their harmonies back to back like they did in the old days…), repetitive chorus that goes nowhere, indulgent solo by Eddie “Why can’t guitarists be as cool as lead singers” Van Halen…

But I am being a bit heavy handed. The song is a bigger indictment on the effects that California’s brutal divorce laws have on our culture than it is on the shittiness of the once thought flawless OG Van Halen line-up.

“Tattoo” is a Van Halen song, no doubt(they had just as many stinkaroos as they had arena rockers).Only difference is that in the old days this would have been one of those deep cuts that would never make radio play (not that this one will either… I don’t see how it will fit in the sad rotations at the few remaining rock radio stations in America if “Aint Talkin’ Bout Love” can’t…), relegated to forever be the song that hipster VH fans can say is their favorite because those other sillies have been played to death by the radio.

But instead- no doubt because Eddie took a bit of a financial hit in his divorce from Valerie Bertinelli (Wolfie’s mother)- we are given this treat in advanced of the upcoming album no one will ever listen to and the overpriced world tour (that will crumble under the weight of all those egos within a few tour stops) that all this sets up.

But it’s not the end for them…

Van-Halen-Tattoo-Video-608x340

They wrote great music once and who knows, if they decide to go someplace new with their creative process as opposed to trying to do what they did when they were twenty and hope to not look like old men in the process, they might again write great music.

But (especially judging by the video) that is a big MIGHT…

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