Happy Elvis Death Day everybody...


elvis_presleyAs many of you may know, August 16 2011 marks the thirtieth forth anniversary of the death of Elvis Aron Presley.  To many he is the King of Rock n' Roll... the embodiment of the American dream; a poor boy from Tupelo, Mississippi grown up to become the single highest taxpaying American in 1973 (true fact, by the way).  To others, Elvis is a tragic figure... a charismatic and talented soul driven mad by his own paranoia and distrust and into the arms of gluttony and drug abuse by the cheers and cajolling of parasitic lackeys.  To me, Elvis is a majikal creature... a true star in every sense of the word.  Awesomely talented and larger than life, no onther artists prior nor since (don't even dare mention that child raping former son in law in this arguement... E would have never stood for such a union and nor will I) has come close to earning the covetted title only Elvlis called his one... "KING".   



I am personally fascinated with Elvis...

The weird sex... the odd relationship with his mother... the strange pets...

Join me as I take you on a wild ride of all the things that made Elvis... Elvis...

 But, before we get too far into this madness, let's take some time to set our minds right by reciting the code that Elvis would make the members of the TCB Disipline recite...



The Elvis "TCB" (Takin' Care of Business) Oath

(Elvis wrote the TCB Oath on a napkin during a plane ride from Memphis to Los Angeles)

More self-respect, more respect for fellow man.

Respect for fellow students and instructors.

Respect for all styles and techniques.

Body conditioning, mental conditioning,

Meditation for calming and stilling of the mind and body.

Sharpen your skills, increase mental awareness,

For all those that might choose a new outlook and personal philosophy.

Freedom from constipation.


All techniques into one.

Elvis Presley 8th

Applying all techniques into one.

Elvis doing karate



Elvis was an odd guy... The word eccentric barely makes mark in trying to find a fitting adjective for the man.  Food, sex, and drug addict- Elvis had all the vices.  Combine that with the most simplest of upbringing and his hordes of enslaved 'Yes men" killing themselves to meet his every insane, child-like demand and you have without a doubt the making of the most amazing spectacular ever witnessed.  A living wreck; sheer mockery of what he had once been.  And here is the ticker... as fucked up as he got, as undeniable one would think the calls for help exhibited by the King of Rock n' Roll, his fans always seemed to look past it.  And I mean it really got bad.  All of the books I have read all have had some odd things Elvis would do and demand from his minions.  In honor of the death of the King (and because this shit is fucking incredible), I present to you....



True facts and Tales from the King of Rock N' Roll...



Elvis and his mommo, Gladys

Elvis and his mommo, Gladys-         Common lore tells us that Elvis loved his momma.  He was extremely devoted to her... so much so that the remarriage of his father, Vernon, upset Elvis to the point that it ruined the relationship he had with his father (with whom Elvis was close to prior to the death of his mother).  And Gladys loved her son.  It was almost creepy.  Elvis shared the same bed with her until the age of 13.  No joke.

-         Elvis was afraid of the dark...

-         Elvis had chronic foot odor.  It was out of control.  While on the road Elvis didn't have the time to do his laundry so he just threw the old socks into a suitcase.  When he got home from the tour, he would throw his dirty clothes (including the suitcase of the dirty socks) for his mother Gladys to wash them (hand wash, mind you... remember they were dirt poor).  When she opened the luggage and discovered a stench so foul, it made her pass out.  She beat her son and cursed God for not having given her a son with the sense to wash and powder his feet on a daily basis.  She swore to never wash his filthy socks again.  The following tour, when he returned and brought Gladys the same luggage filled with dirty smelly socks, Elvis got his clothes thrown away... and got beat again by his mother.

-           Elvis got his first pills by stealing them from his mother, Gladys.  He would swipe her Dexedrine.  When he was in the Army, Elvis became reacquainted with amphetamines... starting a habit that would eventually claim his life.

Elvis' Pet Monkey

elvis_scatterElvis was like a retarded kid with money.  Anything he wanted, he bought... and usually none of his opulent purchases seemed to make any sense other than their satisfying of the King's appetites for everything life had to offer (you could also say that Elvis was high when he bought weird shit).  Around 1958, Elvis bought a chimp named Scatters.  Scatters was a chimpanzee who Elvis bought from Bill Killebrew, a Memphis television person.  Killebrew had apparently taught Scatters how to drive, and Alan, a member of the Memphis Mafia, apparently would let the simian do laps in Elvis' Rolls, much to the delight of the child-like King.

The chimp fit right into the frat house lifestyle Elvis and the Memphis Mafia had in Graceland and in the various hotels they would stay at (the monkey, just like the rest of 'the boys') was required to make all road trips.  They taught the monkey how to drink booze and smoke.  The chimp would eat at the table with the rest of the guys, and would love to look up the skirts of the ladies who would come around (the chimp would then toss off, again delighting Elvis).  Elvis loved the chimp, and because of his shyness towards womyn (believe it or not) Elvis would use the chimp as a conversation buffer. 

But in the late 60's, Scatter's majik wore off on the weary King.  Like so many of the King's toys (and members of his entourage), he grew bored of Scatters tossing off on groupie sluts and trashing hotel rooms by covering the walls with feces and was shipped back home to an air conditioned cage in Graceland (the monkey was still given beer and smokes, as it had become addicted).  Depressed, jilted, and longing for the attention of the King once again, Scatters became despondent and angry in his days in isolation cumulating one day in the biting of one of the Graceland maids.  A few days later, Scatters was found dead... reportedly shot for his bad behavior.

Elvis and his Women...


-         Elvis would not share a bed with any womyn on her period (he would refer to them as unclean).

-         He didn't like performing oral sex on women.

-         He liked to climax in a woman's hair.

-         Elvis had a thing for young womyn.  In Germany he dated a few grrls under 18 (Priscilla was 14 years old when she first dated Elvis in Germany).  He also dated a 15 year old in California just after leaving the military.

-         Elvis liked his grrls to wear white cotton panties and bras.

-         Towards the end of his life, Elvis stopped having sex with womyn, the drugs rendering his "scepter" useless.  So he would have grrls making love to other grrls in the bed for him while he watched (and probably ate).

-         While Elvis was performing in Idaho, it started to snow. Knowing that his daughter, Lisa Marie, had never seen snow, Elvis sent a private plane to Memphis to retrieve her for a winter wonderland surprise.

-         Elvis had a problem with premature ejaculating.  Rumor also has it that he had a small penis.  As well as erectile disfunction.

-         When Elvis would orgasm prematurely on a grrl, he would look at his semen and say to the grrl "Look at all the lil' babies we just killed."


Elvis and Food...

The legendary Fool's Gold Loaf


-         In 1958 while in New Orleans filming King Creole, Elvis bought Pralines from a        very young Richard Simmons.  Elvis bought 18 boxes worth of Pralines from the young fairy every day for six days.  Elvis was quite the glutton.

-         In the 1970's his kitchen was manned 24 hours a day and became busiest around 4.30am. As Elvis was usually stoned off his ass on barbiturates and tranquilizers, he would often fall unconscious while eating. His aides frequently had to reach into his throat to remove food and stop him from choking to death.

-         The King's favorite snacks included fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, burnt bacon, lemon meringue pie and double decker cheeseburgers.

-         The last meal Elvis ate was his 'midnight' (Elvis stayed awake all night and slept most of the day, so this was more like 8 in the morning) snack: 24 chocolate chip cookies and twelve scoops of Vanilla ice cream  (or nearly one carton of ice cream). 

-         The last six months of his life, Elvis liked to eat all of his meals in a laying down position... so he ate all of his meals in bed.  All six of them.  And that didn't include snacks.  Truthfully, in the last months of Elvis' life he rarely left bed.  He even rigged a system of mirrors which allowed him to watch TV while lying down (without sitting).

-         In 1970, Elvis got an urge to eat him the "finest sandwich he had ever eaten" and decided to have one.  So he climbed aboard the Lisa Marie (his private plane) and flew two hours to Denver, Colorado to have himself a Fool's Gold Loaf.  The Fool's Gold Loaf consisted of a one hollowed out loaf of bread, one jar of peanut butter, one jar of jelly (The King liked Grape) and one pound of fried bacon (burnt bacon for Elvis).  That night in particular, Elvis ordered 22... (No, I don't think he ate all 22 of them...).


-         In 1977, Elvis 'ODed" on sundaes.  In a hotel in Newark, 'E' ate six of them before a show (and this was after his tray of cheeseburgers... ballpark about 15 or so) and had to cancel the performance and get his stomach pumped (I am sure the drugs helped).

Contents of Elvis's Pantry (things to be kept at Graceland at all times)

-Fresh, lean unfrozen ground meat

- One case regular Pepsi

-One case Diet Pepsi

- One case Orange drink

- Rolls (hot rolls, Brown-N-Serve)

- Cans of biscuits (no less than six)

- Hamburger Buns

- Pickles

- Potatoes and Onions

- Assorted fresh fruits

- Cans of Sauerkraut

- Wieners

- At least three bottles of milk, including one half and half

- Thin lean bacon

- Mustard

- Peanut Butter

- Fresh, hand squeezed, cold Orange Juice

- Banana Pudding (to be made every night)

- Ingredients for meatloaf and sauce

- Brownies

- Ice Cream- Vanilla and Chocolate

- Shredded Coconut

- Fudge Cookies

- Gum (Spearmint, Doublemint, and Juicy Fruit; three of each)

Weird Elvis...

-         Next to sex and gluttony, one of Elvis' favorite pastimes was visiting the Memphis morgue to check out the corpses.

-         He liked to use baby talk: he called feet "sooties" and ice cream "iddy-tream".

-         He would shoot his TV screen whenever Robert Goulet would come on.  During the last years of his life, Elvis had becomelvisharemscarum2e obsessed with guns, always having one on his person, even at Graceland.  He had a garage full of TVs as well, because apparently Goulet was on TV a lot in those days.


-         He liked to fill his swimming pool with light bulbs and shoot them.

-         While filming the 1965 Harem Scarum, Elvis had some reservations about wearing the Sheik robes required for the part... till he tried it on.  Turns out he actually loved wearing them and wore his costume everywhere... so much so the Studio had to buy him a second one to wear out and about. Elvis said the costume made him feel regal and distinct. 


-         Elvis loved to give Cadillacs as gifts, even to strangers.

-         Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley are distant cousins.

elvisnixon-         Elvis once wrote a letter to President Nixon (fig. 1) in which he asked to be appointed as an undercover narcotics cop. Nixon responded by personally giving Elvis an honorary Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs badge.




-         Elvis put his new badge to good use.  To kill time, he and the Memphis Mafia would drive the streets of Memphis and pull over and search people's cars for drugs.

-         Elvis' case of drugs he could carry with him was referred to as his "kit".  This 'kit' would contain a variety of things, ranging from cash, to drugs, to the gum and Brut that Elvis demanded always be on hand.  This one trip to Las Vegas, in the early 70's, Hamburger James, the man who was in charge of keeping Elvis swimming in cheeseburgers, stole Elvis' kit. When Elvis found out, he was furious and tracked Hamburger James down at the airport. Hamburger James' plane was pulling out, and Elvis exclaimed "Stop that plane, I'm an FBI agent".  He flashed the badge famously given him Richard Nixon.   As Elvis detained the plane, the Memphis Mafia boarded the plane and retrieved Hamburger James and Elvis' missing kit.  No one in the entourage knew what Elvis would do to James.  They knew he had a gun.  He said he was going to kill him.  When they got the Hotel, Elvis confronted James.  Elvis raised a table, as if to smash him James with it, but then, as if coming to his senses, he set it down and hugged him.  "If you needed something, all you had to do was ask..."  With that James was forgiven.  While cruel and by many definitions abusive to his staff (making them slaves to his whim), Elvis was a 'forgiving god'... so long as they knew that life was better with the King than with him as their enemy.  By morning though, Hamburger James having been terrified by the whole ordeal (and the beating he received from the boys as they dragged him off the plane) had skedaddled, never to be heard from again.

-         Elvis was once injected with the urine of a pregnant woman as part of a fad diet.


(fig.1, Letter from Elvis to Nixon)

Drugs and the death of Elvis...

Elvis and the Memphis Mafia

-         Members of his Memphis Mafia would fill his pills with sugar, in an attempt to get him "unaddicted".

-         Elvis lived on pills... and insisted that all of his boys be on them at all times. 

-         All of his life, Elvis suffered from a twisted colon.  This, combined with his abuse of pills... especially painkillers, lead to Elvis suffering from extreme constipation. 

-         In the last six months of Elvis' life, he bathed maybe once a week.  In order to not smell, Elvis would take medication given to cancer patients to limit body odor. 

-         While on tour and unable to get his normal 'friendly' doctors to falsify prescriptions for him, Elvis maintained a hole in his foot that he would keep carved open at all times.  It insured him always getting "the good stuff" (morphine... Elvis was a junkie).

-         As we all know pills, especially painkillers, constipate you.  And once the drugs have worn off, you will normally find yourself racing the Devil to take a shit.  Well, towards the end of his life Elvis was so blotto on pills that the Memphis Mafia (especially in hotel rooms while on the road) would have to wrap Elvis like a mummy in the bed sheet because as he slept he would shit himself as the drugs wore off.

The Death of Elvis Presley

On an early August 18 morning, around eight or so, Elvis Aron Presley got out of bed.  Carrying The Scientific Search for the Face of Christ, a book he had been reading, he went to the bathroom.  He could not sleep that night, only a few days away from mounting a comeback tour.  Now from what all witnesses present, the following is roughly what happened.  The King was on the toilet when he died... reading his book, taking his shit.  It is assumed (due to the toxicology reports from the autopsy) that there were fourteen different drugs flowing through Elvis' system.  He fell over, probably due to a heart attack, and might have crawled a few feet.  His death was not painless nor was it quick. 

Relatively soon after the attack, Ginger, the grrl he had been dating, woke up and found Elvis on the bathroom floor.  She screamed and summoned the "boys" (members of the legendary "Memphis Mafia") that were over, Joe and Al.  The boys summon more of the boys in the house and also send for Dr. "Nick" Nichopaulos.  In order to try and keep Elvis from choking on his tongue, Al busted out Elvis' teeth with a hammer. 

At the Hospital, they tried to revive Elvis by pumping his stomach.  His colon reportedly sounded like it was full of gravel from all of the undigested pills he had lodged in there.  In the end, Elvis had ten drugs coursing through his system... all of them leading to his death.  Codeine, Morphine, Quaaludes, Valium, Diazepam, Placidyl, Amytal, Nembutal, Carbrital, Demerol, Sinutab, Elavil, Avental, and Valmid were all found in his system... all prescribed by Dr. Nick.  At the time of his death, Elvis' impacted colon weighed a whopping 60 pounds (the average person's weighs five to seven)!


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