Those are the cryptic words I texted to my friend and business partner, Skippy Handleman, in the wee hours of Sunday morning. They came to me in a fever dream, the nightmarish image of Woody Harrelson dressed as Bray Wyatt, holding a lantern while flanked by his family of psychotic rejects. He blows out the lantern, his wild man chuckle waking me from a fitful slumber; promoting my cryptic message.
As crazy as that sounds, it's no more nuts than any of the other conspiracy theories floating around the internet concerning True Detective, the hit HBO drama starring Mathew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson that has taken over the paranoid collective of the World Wide Web.
And good Lord, were we dying for something to sink our teeth into...
So here are a few of the nuttier theories floating around out there concerning this simply amazing show...
The Crazy Conspiracy Theories of True Detective
The "Marty Did It" theory
This one came to the same solution that I did (though I must say they are basing it on more than I am). Their premise is cut and dry, Marty- the ultra wound up, uber angry anchor to Rusty's free floating spirit- is blowing off a little steam still left over after he put the stones to one of his many feminine obsessions not named Maggie. The proof for this madness (brought to us by the_thrillho, an obviously sleep deprived Reddit user for the photo evidence):
Marty's wife asks where he had been for the past few days, conveniantly enough the same amoutn of time it would have taken to murder and set up the Dora body.
Rusty asks Marty if he has ever been hunting, to which Marty responds that he had, in fact, been hunting, a year or so ago; bagging himself a ever ellucive ten point buck.
Marty gives the young whore a crisp hundred, which Rusty later asks if it was a down payment. Perhaps it was just an act of mercy from this poor twisted soul. Or perhaps it was a first step in gaining her trust, leading her down a long road ending with her as the fleshy canvas for Marty's psychotic flights of fancy.
When Rusty justifies his various indiscretions on his loyal wife, Maggie, he justifies it as a way to cleanse himself of all the darkness and evil of his day to day. This points to his ability to a) rationalize his immoral actions, and b) a desire to indulge in his lesser angels. Seeing how the violence in him also splashes out into this other life, is it so far a thought to see him torturing just some whore, as he sees them?
Throw in Marty's ever thinning crown of golden locks, and you have an undeniable piece of evidence. Tell me you don't see the links...
Where It Falls Apart:
Of all the weird theories surrounding the identity of the Yellow King, this is the most solid one. It's supported by solid, all be it very coincidental, evidence, and not based on wrestling influenced nightmares wading their way through sticky pools of bong resin and bourbon. That said, it's biggest weakness is it's subject... Marty.
Sure, he is a brooding, violent, sociopath who should never have been put in charge of public safety (neither should Rusty, if we are being honest; the two of them totally batshit)... But he is also dense as a brick. There isn't one imaginative bone in that square's body, let alone the level of intense creativity it would take to dream up the ornate visions he acts out on the dead mediums.
The "Rich Satanic Cult/Marty's In-Laws Did It" theory
This gem was mined from the various Reddit threads and message birds I delved into researching this. It's not nearly as developed as the Marty theory, more a bi-product of contrarians not wanting to buy into the Marty theory more than a deep investment in its tenets.
The basis for the theory comes from a throw away line in one of the episodes where a character alleges that there are rumors of rich people having Satanic rituals in the woods. It is then tied into Marty's in-laws, obviously well to do people. Conveniently, later in the same episode as that line was uttered, Marty's father in law pops in, acting rather strangely. Some of the more out there threads start running into a weird thought stream where Maggie is also involved, though not consciously as she is acting as a brainwashed agent.
Where it Falls Apart:
We have seen these characters maybe twice. Not really a deep enough on screen relationship to convincingly wrap up a murder mystery.
The “Creepy Lawnmower Man” theory
This theory claims that the lawn mowing creepy we se in passing is in fact the murdering Yellow King. We see Errol the lawnmower guy often enough, so there isn't that “we didn't see this coming” issue that the Satan Worshiping murderous in-laws theory leaves in your mouth. He also bears a vague enough resemblance to the nightmarish monster the little girl said chased her. Add in the symbolic tie between the simpleton’s occupation as lawn mower man and Rusty and Marty’s first fight (when Rusty was found mowing Marty’s lawn, clear foreshadowing to Marty’s eventual cuckolding).
Where It Falls Apart:
This one is actually a fairly strong one, in as much as it makes sense. The dude’s a creep, he looks like the picture the girl drew, and would be the least disappointing of the disappointing endings that we will more than likely be treated to. If we’re laying odds on these theories, this one would be the easy 3-1 favorite.
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