Solutions to the Fuel Crisis...

50s_wrestlersI'm pretty sure that as a collective we have all by now assumed that certain political issues have become nothing more than just props to our politicians who have seemingly turned our political system into some weird non steroided version of pro-wrestling.

The two carnies walk out before the rubes; one carnie takes one side and the second carnie the other of any particular issue.  They then go round and round for the rubes amusement; biting comments and heated debates being tossed around like the steel chairs and wooden tables of their industry.

Then one scores the pinfall.

Doesn’t matter who really… Since nothing ever changes out of Washington, the actual winner and losers never really as important as the fight prior would have suggested it to be.

It’s the very reason why nothing ever changes in this God forsaken country.

Abortion, Social Security, Medicare, Welfare reform…

No matter what the issue, the pattern is always the same.

Seeing the stiches on the fast ball

It has finally fallen to fuel to act as one of the many straw men in this heated political season.

Long ago seen as an up and coming “political hot potato”, Fuel (and its costs to the consumer) has finally gotten to a price per gallon that would force the attention of the political class.

And to their credit the Carnie in Chief and the three cheap suits and one crazy old fuck vying for his gig got out and spun, spun, spun…

But sadly, it wasn’t anything inspiring:

The Republicans, bless their well-meaning though stuck in the Dark Ages hearts, want to drill baby drill to flood the market with that cheap bubbling crude America has buried just a mile or so below their feet and make sure that the American people are well aware that Obama told the Canadians that he had no interest in a direct pipe line to Kanuck oil as often as the subject comes up.


Obama, on the other hand, seeks to take the higher ground of inspiring new direction and tells the world that America is going to fuel their economic engine by using pool upon pool of stinking algae. (All the while hoping that no one mention the now laughable “Green Energy” investments Obama and his people cranked out during the early days of his administration that have now shown themselves to be nothing more than a way for Barry and his cronies to repay favors to donors [not to mention funnel a few of those shekels for himself]).

You would think that after nearly three decades of trying to promote this “match”, these guys would have thought of a better angle than “Drill Baby Drill” and Pond scum for energy freedom.

But they didn’t.

So I figured why not suggest to these guys a few slightly more imaginative ideas for them to try and sell to the American people.

Stop pussy footing around the edges with the same unimaginative moderate bullshit that they have been selling for decades now.

If you are going to sell a lie then sell us a fucking lie.

So now, without further ado….

The Five Much More Exciting Lies to Sell to the American People about the Future of their Energy Freedom…

steam-power1). Steam

A retro technology to be sure, this one would be a tough sale…

Despite us having plenty of non-potable water lying about (as well as desalinization in case we want to not use the water we drink to exist as a fuel source because we all know that using a food or water source as a fuel source is both short sighted and fool hearty) the idea of technologically “going backwards” seems uninspiring to the younger generations…

Unless you go steampunk.


Steampunk will be used to sell the sizzle on this repackaging of 19th Century idea and it will be amazing.

Imagine Newt Gingrich hanging out in gaslight gear while debating the benefits of steam power…

Or Romney riding out before a crown in his giant steam powered throne; his brass adorned suit and bowler hat captivating the crowd more than the millionth promise to make cars run more efficiently and arm twist our Arab counterpart’s arm.

It will be water resistant leathers and goggles for everyone!

2). Trash


We bought it in the 80 when Robert Zemeckis had Doc Brown decided that recyclables made a better and more readily available fuel source when he upgraded the Delorean at the end of Back to the Future 1/beginning Back to the Future 2. Why not use it to really power a car?

Humans seem to be very good at making garbage… this idea serves as a better way of recycling it.

It would not be the best way of going at the solution, sure… Trash, like doing things the same way as we always have done, really does not inspire the masses to revolution…

But perhaps the Trash Option might be a forerunner for the more ambitious…

poop-petrol 3). Biofuels

The natural next move from trash.

As any four year old will tell you. we will always need to make doodies and tinkles.

Why not power our machines with it?

Sure the idea is a stomach turning one but it is not all that far out there…


4). Crystal energy

This is the most daring project as it requires them to spin a yarn of believable bullshit out of sheer insanity. But it wouldn't be a hard as one would think.


The people are already primed to buy into some mythical bullshit. The idea that there might very well have been a mythical civilization (like Atlantis, for example) that had taped themselves into the ambient energies of the cosmos to power their panacea that was wiped off the face of the earth by one of those pesky planet killing asteroids that struck our planet oh so long ago is already a concept that permeates our collective pop culture. All it would take is some carnie of repute to "come across" some long forgotten tablet in some third world depot’s private collection speaking to ancient crystal workings that tapped into this energy.

(Let also not forget that Star Treks entire propulsion system was driven by dilithium crystals, which emanated a magical "energy" that in time wore out [like a natural battery of sort]).

Our sci-fi loving asses will buy into this madness hook, line and sinker!

slave.n5). Good ol' fashioned man power

We are all well aware that certain cash strapped states have long go "privatized" our prisons. What if though the power companies started running these jails?

And if within them were giant enormous turbines that were capable of generating enough energy to run a city?

Enormous buildings running 24 hours a day (in 6 hour work shifts) where the inmates have to spin the giant turbines using their kinetic energy. They would do this in a variety of ways:

Hamster wheel


Complex giant treadmill


That enormous gear that Conan grew up pushing in the classic movie


Now of course there would be some racial blowback to the initiative as the idea of having a primarily black prison population toiling for little to no compensation for the benefit of the rich white power company owners. But it is easily enough taken care of…

debtors-prisonThe work around for slavery allegation is to set it up so that the small time drug offenders and student loan defaulters working off their nut as “Debtors Prisons” will be sent to toil in the “salt mines” speak.


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