While the rest of the Civilized world has been all but breaking their necks to try and prove to the rest of them how willing they all are to holding hands and singing “Kumbyah” with one another, they are busy like the demonic orcs their breed of Man was spawned from oh those centuries ago building better, more efficient, and equally terrifying methods of eradicating their sworn enemies (namely the United States and Great Brittan).
While President Obama was busy whispering to the outgoing Russian President Medvedev about the expected flexibility he will have in the unilateral nuclear disarmament of the United States “in the interest of giving the Russian people a ‘good faith’ advance in our payment towards the cost of Global Peace, incoming Russian President (and all around swinging dick) Vladimir Putin has confirmed to the development of a Russian “energy beam weapon” that turns its targets into zombies.
According to the Australian Herald Sun:
The futuristic weapons - which attack their victims' central nervous system - are being developed by scientists and could be used against Russia's enemies and even its own dissidents by the end of the decade.
Mr. Putin has described the guns, which use electromagnetic radiation like that found in microwave ovens, as entirely new instruments for achieving political and strategic goals.
Plans to introduce the super-weapons were announced by Russian defense minister Anatoly Serdyukov.
While the technology has been around for some time, Mr. Tsyganok said the guns were recently tested for crowd control purposes.
“When it was used for dispersing a crowd and it was focused on a man, his body temperature went up immediately as if he was thrown into a hot frying pan," Mr. Tsyganok said.
"Still, we know very little about this weapon and even special forces guys can hardly cope with it,'' he said.
From Russia, With Love…
Let’s face it… America isn’t a “Do it for the sake of it” type of country…
We hate doing anything that isn’t eating or fucking.
It has always needed that divine spark of inspiration, if you will…
And perhaps these far out Russian Zombie guns are just the kind of kick in the ass that our nation has been in dire need of…
You have to admit, America was a better place when we had the Russians as an adversary.
We had a foil… a yang… an enemy that we could stand and make the stark comparisons that makes bigotry work so well.
They were a drab, grey, freedomless, hopeless, futureless society of cogs turning the machine while We were something better. We were the bright shining city on the hill from which the world learned of a better tomorrow; the beacons of hope and dreams for all freedom loving people.
And perhaps what America needs is to once again have themselves an enemy.
Oh sure we have been engaging ourselves in a now decade long adventure sticking our nose into every Arab pissing match we can get ourselves into all for the name of Terror and Oil.
And those bastard Chinese are just itching to show off their newly afforded superpower status.
But neither of those enemies can bear a candle to the idea of dusting off some of that Cold War magic.
Not as sexy, not as exciting…
And the accents are dogshit.
And don’t go thinking I am coming out of some far off pot induced fantasy about a new arms race being brought about by the announcement of Zombie Gun…
Had it not been for the Russians and Sputnik, American might not have ever gotten off their lazy asses long enough to get a man on the moon.
Because going to the Moon had nothing to do with the noble pursuit of loft goals nor was it some tribute to a slain American leader…
It was all about making sure those filthy fucking Reds didn’t get to plant their flag on the moon.
Simple as that.
So instead of biting your nails to nubs worrying about how the wars of the future will be fought by Terminator robots and human zombie-slaves take heart in that if everything goes right, America could have zombie guns of their own…
And if the 80s taught us anything, it’s that a mutually assured death at the hands of throngs of zombie soldiers is enough to broker a peace between even the most suborn of super powers.