Miami cop kills naked cannibal...

rick-shootingLeave it to Miami to make sure that there are sparks of life to talk about on this Memorial Day weekend…

A Miami police officer has had to put down a naked man because he found him chewing off the face of another man who also happened to be naked.

At about two o’clock Sunday afternoon on the MacArthur Parkway, gunshots rang out disturbing what had been a fairly quiet Memorial Day weekend.

Conveniently, the dramatic turn of events leading up to that finale happened mere blocks away from the offices of The Miami Herald (a publication of note), at a spot where- damned the luck- the newspaper just so happened to have a surveillance camera with the perfect angle on the whole scene.


According to the reports form the Herald:

“… a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away. Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

two-nudes 

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots…”

police-reproduction

Police reproduction of the events leading to the shooting.

Police theorize that the crazed man was suffering from “cocaine psychosis”, though a toxicology report to support this claim officially is yet forthcoming.

Afternoon of those Driven Mad by Too Much Cocaine doesn’t have the same ring to it…

Upon first coming across this story, I thought what I am sure many of you thought it was…

zombies-nintendoLike we were living in the scenes that run usually just before the opening credits of a zombie movie (or in some flicks with more time to kill, perhaps a flashback) where a news report speaks of some enraged blood thirst hobo that had to be put down by law enforcement …

As thought any day now, the news was going to explode with reports of legions of undead cannibals ripping through the streets of our nations mighty cities, bringing a once mighty superpower to its quivering, terrified knee as it citizens hunker down in their homes prepared to meet their end at the ripping hands of their loved ones.

priestAll being brought about through some Faustian pact with a voodoo priestess made by a desperate newspaper owner who swears upon everything he holds dear that all his dying media needs to save that last dying gasp from subsiding is that one enormous story everyone dreams about being there when it happens.

But that’s all just crazy talk…

As much as it pains the majority of us just dying to come up with any half plausible excuse to start blowing away our friends and neighbors guilt free, odds are not good for this being the beginning of zombie apocalypse…

It’s more than likely this jabrone got his hands on some PCP, had himself a little too good of a time, and next thing you know this crazy fuckers knick knacked out of his brain eating the face off his best friend while some green Miami beat cop shits himself trying to remember what his training taught him about blood thirst cannibals and their treatment protocol.

hero-pig

It’s not as much fun as thinking any second now that cockfuck up the street who has yet to return your hedge trimmer (all the while his and your hedges grow unruly) is going to try and come through your window to eat the brains of you and yours, leaving you with little alternative than to drive the pointy end of your guitar into his corkscrewed mind to stop him…

But- sadly- that’s the way the real world works.

On three…

One, two three…

BOO RE ALITY.

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