News Bites!-5/28/2012

bite-2-1Following a prolonged absence in the fortress of solitude (read: rehab), News of the Bored has returned! Read the latest edition of News Bites!, wait a half hour, then rejoice. It’s like swimming, you don’t want to cramp up.

Newsweek proclaimed Obama to be the first gay president. He wasn't the first homosexual in the White House; I'm pretty sure Calvin Coolidge was a lesbo.

 

A new study contends that voters won't knock Romney for his Mormonism at the polls. Because if you'll believe that Jesus walked on water, shit, why couldn't he have trekked across the ocean to North America? And God dictated the parables of the Holy Bible, so why not put some more stories on golden plates? If your religion teaches a bunch of crazy stuff like transubstantiation, zombification and an omniscient man in the sky who judges your daily masturbation rituals, you can't fault somebody else for their equally absurd theology.

 

A naked man in Miami was shot to death by police while he was eating the face of another man. Either the zombie apocalypse has begun or the scramble for early bird specials at Golden Corral has gotten out of hand.

 

Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred took up the case of a New Jersey woman who filed a discrimination lawsuit against her former lingerie wholesaler employer. The plaintiff claims she was terminated due to her "distracting" breasts. Ok, so we can't hire and promote women because they have large breasts and we can't fire them for large breasts either? Make up your minds, feminists!

 

Casey Anthony, in seclusion since acquittal in her daughter's murder trial last year, was found by investigators in Florida so that she could be served papers in a defamation lawsuit. Face it, Casey: you suck at hiding bodies.

 

Newly independent nation South Sudan claimed that Sudan has recently been shelling and bombing its sovereign territory. Look Sudan, you and South Sudan broke up last July. Quit with the aerial raids and calling late at night then hanging up. Get over it, move on, maybe find another country or region to subjugate. I hear Chad is on the market. But don't run back to Darfur. It'll never work out between you two.

 

ZuckerbergD8-2To celebrate Facebook's initial public offering of stock and her medical school graduation, founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg married longtime girlfriend Priscilla Chan in a small ceremony in the backyard of his Palo Alto, California home. Finally, the insidious Big Brother apparatus of China joins forces with the insidious Big Brother apparatus of Facebook.

 

 

Wedbush securities analyst Michael Pachter wrote an email to Business Insider blaming Facebook's IPO plunge on Zuckerberg's decision to wear a hoodie rather than a traditional suit and tie to investor meetings. When white people wear hoodies, they rile Wall St. stiffs and a few billion dollars get shaved off the top of their immense fortunes. But when black people wear hoodies… well, ask Trayvon what happens.

 

For the first time ever, India will send a female wrestler to the Olympics. It's not fair if she has 6 arms.

 

A Minnesota man exposed his genitals, tied himself to a tree in a park spread-eagled and waited for passersby to engage in sex. Why didn't I think of this? Environmentalists could learn a lot from this guy though. Afterall, who'd want to touch those trees now, even with the business end of a chainsaw? He takes the notion of tree-hugging to an entirely new level.

 

Hustler Magazine published in its pages an obviously Photoshopped picture of conservative commentator S.E. Cupp performing fellatio. Though outraged, Ms. Cupp got off relatively scott-free. Larry Flynt could have printed the much cruder "Two Girls, One S.E. Cupp," but never pulled the trigger.

 

Video of a movie stuntman proposing to his girlfriend while lighting himself on fire hit the web. To his dismay, his would-be fiancé responded to the offer by doing the same.

 

Track star Lolo Jones told HBO Sports that maintaining her virginity for the last 29 years has been harder than training for the Olympics. Reportedly, she attends most athletic events at the Games but tries to avoid the pole vault.

 

Egypt conducted its first presidential vote since the ouster of authoritarian leader Hosni Mubarak 15 months ago. Inexplicably, Ron Paul somehow won delegates there too.

 

The Muslim Brotherhood asserted that their candidate, Mohamed Mursi, held an early lead over rival Islamists and former officials from the Mubarak Administration. Still, many Egyptians harbored trepidation over rumors that Mursi is a secret Muslim radical bent on America's destruction. Until he could be confirmed as such, voters remained wary.

 

The Catholic Church's chief exorcist accused the Vatican of involvement in the 1983 disappearance of a then-15-year-old girl for the purpose of sex parties. Hear that? The Church sexually enslaved a girl. That's right, a GIRL. So suck on that, haters.

 

 

computerterrorismUS Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted that computer specialists in her department hacked into Yemen Al-Qaeda websites and replaced boasts of killing Americans with statistics on civilian casualties caused by the terror group. Take note, Secret Service. The State Department will never be accused of ripping off hookers in Colombia, much less getting laid in the first place.

 

The auction of a vial of former President Ronald Reagan's blood, taken at his 1981 assassination attempt, was cancelled after it had amassed a bid of $30,000. The sample was far too contaminated after every Republican candidate for high office in the last 30 years had jacked off into it.

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