Do you smell what Kim Jong-Un is cooking? It’s probably human flesh because death-by-flamethrower is but one of many capital punishment techniques in the arsenal of the world’s premier diabetic despot. Not only that, North Korea’s Dear Leader is also preparing to temporarily replace lofty ambitions of nuclear missilesdecimating the American West Coast with missile dropkicks careening into the solar plexuses of baby oil-glazed gladiators.
According to reports, the obese boy-king is currently planning to outdo January’s basketball exhibitions featuring washed-up retired NBA players with a live event at Rungnado May Day Stadium starring America’s and Japan’s favorite spandex-clad thespians. Teaming with puroresu legend and Japanese legislator Antonio Inoki, Kim will ensure that this spectacle showcases pro wrestlers from around the globe in his isolated nation’s capital. Their unique blend of theatrics, athleticism and drama ought to be quite a revelation for Kim’s countrymen and women, who probably associate the term “Survivor Series” not with an annual 8-man tag team showdown, but the realities of daily life in their beleaguered homeland.
Believe it or not, such an event would not be a first for North Korea. The Four Horsemen met the Axis of Evil when The Nature Boy… pause for mandatory “Wooo!”… Ric Flair main-evented a two-day 1995 Pyongyang extravaganza known as Collision in Korea. Its Day Two attendance of 170,000 still stands as the record for largest assembled crowd at a professional wrestling card. Inoki served as his opponent, who garnered the win after Slick Ric keenly determined that a fan favorite going over the villainous heel before officials of a draconian one-party autocracy was prudent booking. Otherwise, the stylin’, profilin’, jet flyin’, limousine ridin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ son of a gun might have become a violently whipped, starved and stripped, rat eatin’, daily beaten, bludgeoned in a dungeon concentration camp prisoner. WOOOOO!!
You see, though he is mostly known in the States for an infamous 1976 boxer-versus-wrestler bout with Muhammad Ali (who also was a guest of honor at Collision) that was more painful for viewers than the participants, Inoki is revered in the North. He maintains this goodwill despite hailing from Japan and having served in its frequently hostile government (the Land of the Rising Sun and the Korean peninsula have been feuding on-and-off for seemingly almost as long as John Cena and Randy Orton). He was the protégé of iconic Korean-born grappler Rikidōzan, whose status is that of national treasure in both Japan and the DPRK. So Inoki’s connection to the hometown hero naturally transferred into clout with the regime and crowd adulation at Collision in Korea. Of course, North Korean spectators’ constant dread that their enthusiasm would be deemed insufficient by authorities and deserving of reprimand may have also influenced their cheers. To this day, Vince McMahon still mulls over this policy as a way to halt the piss room stampede during a Hornswoggle and Santino segment.
Perhaps inspiration for the whole shebang can be attributed to Jong-Un’s self-proclaimed best friend and member in good standing with Hollywood Hogan’s nefarious New World Order, Dennis Rodman. The Worm’s farcical attempt at basketball diplomacy was about as convincing as your average wrestler’s acting chops. But he netted himself a position as coach of North Korea’s 2016 Olympic basketball team, so don’t count out Rodman just yet. If history is any indication, the only possible scenario in which his team can be defeated is to be met in the tournament finals by an American contingent coached by Utah Jazz great Karl Malone. Yes, they once wrestled on pay-per-view and it was awful.
Professional wrestling and North Korea are two outcasts that could actually form a potent tag team if given the chance. Though quite the disparate entities, they have more in common with one another than initially apparent:
- Both have been commanded by a single dynastic family for decades, with the Kims and McMahons long ruling their respective kingdoms with iron fists.
- Each has seen nepotistic leadership handoffs in recent years: Jong-Il’s portly progeny Jong-Un and Vince’s opportunistic son-in-law Triple H have assumed the reins.
- Neither is held in high esteem by Western capitalists, as evidenced by the DPRK’s devotion to revolutionary communism and WWE’s tanking stock prices.
- Kim’s high command has walked out of numerous diplomatic talks with the West regarding their nuclear weapon cache in much the same way that CM Punk reneges on his contractual obligations.
- The North’s efforts at brainwashing its populace hope to rival that of demented hillbilly cultists The Wyatt Family. Unfortunately, their nonsensical narratives, ranging from overwhelming military supremacy to unearthed unicorn lairs, are as comprehensible as a typical episode of TNA iMPACT!.
- And let’s face it: frequent Connecticut political candidate (and wife of Vince) Linda McMahon and Kim Jong-Un have won the same exact number of free and fair elections during their political careers. Except public trust registers slightly higher with the latter.
Best of all, if Vince McMahon wants to do business north of the DMZ, he need not look far in search of a name for the broadcast. In an homage to the ever-deepening hostility between the US and Kim’s erratic regime, he could repurpose an old WCW pay-per-view moniker: World War 3.