Extreme Makeover: Country Club Edition


elephantOh, the tumult raging through the Republican Party nowadays. It seems they cannot get anything right. They hold large gatherings punctuated with waving Lipton tea bags and palpable paranoia. They enlist fateful message soldier Dick Cheney to defend torture and various other acts so malicious, Voldemort looks like Mother Teresa in comparison (and thereby shuffling Michael Jackson up to number 1 again in the category of "Which Character Scares Children the Most"). GOP Chairman Michael Steele has encouraged his party to become more contemporary and embrace hip hop lingo to battle the insatiable Obamamania. As if your painfully white mom and dad didn't already embarrass you enough with public declarations of "drop it like it's hot!" and "check out this bling-bling, homedogs!"


The GOP has even considered rebranding the Democratic Party the Democrat-Socialist Party. Well, if we're going with a truth-in-advertising theme, then the GOP should be rechristened the Republican-Fascist-Illuminati-Evil Party Inc. There you go, Libertarians! Both main parties are now synonymous with either socialism or fascism! Take your rightful place as the official third mainstream political party in US polit--- Hey! C'mon guys! Get off the couch and do something! What?! You're gonna smoke ANOTHER bowl?! Then take a nap?


To illustrate my point, I conducted a completely unscientific poll (i.e. I made up all the results) to gather opinions on what the Republicans should do to regain relevancy:

How could the GOP stage a comeback with it's voters?

But the prospects for an enduring Democratic majority are not so bright either. The Democrats never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity, as the old saying goes. A better way to put it is they always fuck up the unfuckupable. They may have temporarily taken hold of the government via the Republican's ineptitude, but their own incompetence will catch up with them eventually, as evidenced by their previous rises and falls. Here's a confusing timeline to demonstrate the doomed trajectory of Donkey dominance:

Projected timeline of the Democratic majority.

So, as you can see, politics is cyclical. The GOP will more than likely take the reigns once again and the Democrats will be relegated to second place, whining about being out of power while the GOP partakes in the coke parties and gay bathhouse sex that's typical for the majority party in the United States Congress. At this point, the only recourse is to join the Libertarians for a doobie in the basement and hope repeated viewings of Grandma's Boy blocks out your dad's call from upstairs to "raise the roof, my nizzle!!".