Iran has long instituted its own literal fashion police. These guardians of morality do not hesitate to harass any whore walking down the street who is flagrantly flashing her face and ankles. Such displays induce many Iranian men to conveniently situate a Koran in front of their mini-minarets. But more importantly, it causes the downfall of society. In fact, a prayer leader in Tehran recently claimed that "many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes." And you thought they were a result of the friction caused by shifting teutonic plates. Shows how much you know.
But now men aren’t even safe to sport an ape drape if they so choose. The culture ministry has released a catalog of approved hairstyles for men and such timeless looks such as the mullet, ponytail and even elaborately spiky hair failed to make the cut. But poofy conservative ‘dos and pompadours are allowed, as is moderate hair gel usage.
Goatees used to be banished from the Islamic Republic, but a picture of a man sporting one in the catalog suggests that chin fuzz is now allowable. The man at the helm of the Modesty and Veil Festival (sounds almost as fun as the Temperance and Female Circumcision Fiesta) in the nation’s capital told the Telegraph that "the proposed styles are inspired by Iranians' complexion, culture and religion, and Islamic law". Apparently the Prophet Mohammad hated hippies and NASCAR drivers, but was a fan of 90s coffee house crooners and the Fonz.
Even neckties have been derided as symbols of Western decadence. This might be why President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is never seen wearing one. But even this theocratic thug opposes some of the sartorial restrictions of the ruling clerics; he probably knew that nothing could be more symbolic of Great American Satan laziness and moral decay than his perpetual Casual Friday wardrobe.
Naturally, The United States could never adopt these methods and weed out aesthetic eyesores in the land of the free. But would America be a nicer place if there wasn’t a single rat tail or set of Caucasian cornrows? Perhaps, but it’d be far less entertaining.