News Bites- 7/3/2011


As part of an occasional series, The Weekly Constitutional will present a rundown of the week that (unfortunately) was. Whether you missed, avoided or tried to forget a particular story, fear not. Here to throw it back in your face is the inaugural edition of News Bites!
The United States turns 235 years oldTime for America to get a prostate exam.
Michigan Congressman Thaddeus McCotter jumps into crowded presidential fieldNothing will counteract the GOP’s stereotype of a party made up of crotchety old white guys like a candidate named Thaddeus McCotter.


Fox News Twitter feed hacked, Obama declared dead in hoaxThe tweet proclaimed “BREAKING NEWS: President @BarackObama assassinated, 2 gunshot wounds have proved too much. It’s a sad 4thfor #america”. I’m guessing the “sad” part was the big indication that this wasn’t actually issued by Fox News.



The last Vietnam-era draftee retires from the militaryHe finally tired of being spit on.


kidsawaitparadewithflagsNew study claims that Fourth of July parades indoctrinate children into the Republican PartyIf Democrats began conducting Labor Day parades, would they have the opposite effect?


Transformers 3 rakes in $372 million its opening weekend and nabs title of 3rd highest-earning worldwide film debutIf you stop watching them, Hollywood will stop making them. It’s up to you, people.


Motorcyclist wipes out and dies during ride protesting NY helmet law. He was also spearheading a write-in campaign against irony.


Autopsy reveals heart attack killed Macho Man Randy Savage before his car crashedCould a lifetime of free beef jerky cause heart disease? Ooooohhh YEEAAHHH!!!


Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo will air their impending nuptials on televisionLook what you’ve done, Wills and Kate. You’ve convinced Z-list “celebrities” that people want to see them get hitched. Viewers have to bear witness to their own doomed marriages; like they want to see the 98 Degrees guy’s 2nd or 3rd?


frenchmanUK newspaper The Guardian publishes article entitled “Dominique Strauss-Kahn case shakes France's macho culture”France has a macho culture? Do they know that they dress like America’s gays?



At Bristol Palin’s book-signing events, fans discover that they have to buy Bristol’s book in order to get Sarah’s autographI don’t like to jump on the Sarah Palin-bashing bandwagon (because it’s too in vogue and too easy) but I’ll be blunt: If you desire her signature, then shelling out $25.99 for her 20-year-old daughter’s “memoir” is a fitting punishment.


Crazed man accosts OctoMom at celebrity boxing event by hugging her, proposing marriage and screaming “I’m a Paul Heyman guy!” You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar. And I wish he had been the one to accost the OctoMom.


Hey, Colt Cabana! How ya doin?


Casey Anthony trial drags on. God, I wish this chick wasn’t hot; then we’d never have to hear this fucking story.


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