News Bites!

dog-bite2Need a refresher course on the top news stories? Then look no further; News Bites! culls the recent headlines and fills you in on the inane and profane.

 

western-hemi-lifeUS airstrike assassinates Yemeni Al-Qaeda cleric and potential Osama bin Laden successor Anwar al-Awlaki. President Obama figures if he can’t fix the economy, fuck, he’ll just kill the shit out of every last al-Qaeda guy. He’s got 2012 on lockdown.

 

China officially cancels annual dog-eating festival. And you thought America had the market cornered on horrific fair food with deep-fried sticks of butter.

 

Lawmakers in Mexico City propose issuing 2-year marriage licenses to cut down on divorce. Sounds like a temporary worker program retrofitted for matrimony. Even newlyweds want amnesty.

 

Nancy Grace experiences a wardrobe malfunction in the midst of a performance on Dancing with the Stars. Despite the media firestorm covering the nip slip, Nancy herself refused to report on it unless the nipple is murdered by a jealous lover while vacationing with sorority sisters in the Caribbean.

 

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Medical insurance companies are bringing computerized Jeopardy contestant Watson on board to diagnose patients. Labored breathing? Abdominal pain? You just might have a severe case of What Is The Ottoman Empire, Alex.

 

Through a Freedom of Information Act request, the ACLU uncovers how much and how long customer call and data info the major cell phone carriers keep on file. If my carrier knows so much about the particulars of my life, hopefully it also is aware of how much dropped calls irritate the fuck out of me.

 

 

troyFour weeks into the season, some in New England already want Chad Ochocinco sacked from the Patriots. Not only is he unimpressive on the field, Ochocinco is creepy: he sleeps in a fish tank bedroom. You know you’ve lost it when your life mimics Troy McClure’s.

 

Unions join the Occupy Wall Street movement. Overheard: “I only challenge the rapacious institutional capitalist status quo ‘til 5. I don’t challenge nothing after that. Plus an hour for lunch.”

 

Mastodon releases new album “The Hunter”. I want to get a portrait of Brent Hinds’ tattooed face tattooed onto my face.

 

The city of Albany, GA raked in almost $4 million over 9 months from fining people who wear saggy pants. I think these Big Brother bumpkins are onto something. Give Albany’s fashion police the muscle of martial law to enforce more sartorial statutes. For instance, faux hawkers should be publicly caned, Tapout and Affliction tees would earn you a stoning by your fellow roided-out brahs and the punishment meted out to adults brandishing Hello Kitty paraphernalia will be immolation. What Not to Wear will be more survival guide than reality show drivel.

 

Julian Assange, Bradley Manning and activists that spearheaded the Arab Spring revolts were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It may seem counterintuitive to bestow a peace prize to people who were responsible for wars, but no others are more deserving.

 

s-MICHELLE-OBAMA-TARGET-largeMichelle Obama shops incognito at a suburban Virginia Target store. The AP reports that she sported “a baseball cap and sunglasses” and was even “pushing her own cart.” OMG, she really is just like me!!

 

Herman Cain attacks Rick Perry over the racist name of the Texas governor’s family’s hunting camp. Cain urged him to change it to something more acceptable moniker, like Towelhead Ranch.

 

 

In reference to the GOP presidential field and the possible candidacy of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, John McCain says that “the swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in… the water may not be quite as warm as you think. “This metaphor is only going to encourage him, as nobody (and nothing) is left in a pool after Christie cannonballs into it. Despite numerous vowels that he has no interest in the Oval Office, the governor would certainly make a splash in the race.

 

Legendary alt-rockers REM announce that they’re breaking up. At least they went out at their peak.

 

More birthdays occur on October 5th than any other day of the year. It may be tempting to blame drunken New Year’s romps for the surge in babies approximately 9 months later, but Martin Luther King Jr. Day likewise falls in the first half of January. When Dr. King told those gathered at the National Mall in D.C. that he had a dream, who would have ever thought that it might have been a wet one?

 

steve-jobs-rip-2011_1

Steve Jobs passes away. Mild joke: Although he was a true

innovator and titan of industry, his death was much like Apple products:

overhyped.

Mean joke: A cure for pancreatic cancer? There’s no

app for that.

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