It’s easy, judging by the hard ways this site tends to go after President Obama, for one to assume this is just another Republican mouthpiece blindly attacking the Commander in Chief for no reason beyond his party affiliation. But that couldn't be further from the truth...
We think elected Republicans are nothing more than moralistic thieves same as the Democrats.
That said, it has been almost universally accepted by most that barring an alien invasion or Obama appointing himself Supreme High Chancellor, which ever stiff the Republicans send before us will be the next President of the United States.
Kind of makes you wish you had paid attention during the last few debates instead of turning them into a drinking game now, doesn't it????
But fear not, slack jawed reader of this fine publication... for we, the crack(ed out) staff of The Weekly Constitutional, took some time away from out gravity bong rips and rail after rail of Xanax to compile an easy to follow breakdown of the Candidates so figuring out which rep from the Grand ol' Party you would want to lead us out of our current mire.
The 2012 Republican Candidates
Michele Bachmann: the second most fuckable of the Primary candidates (second only to Rick Perry who, while being a man thus making him not at all our type, looks like he might push back as opposed to Madam Bachman who might lay there and maybe make quiet weepy noises because as we all know enjoying sex makes baby Jesus cry…). Sadly though, while a better option than middle America dream candidate Sarah Palin (as say what you will about the sanity of some of her points, Bachman is nowhere near the "inch deep yet mile wide" shallowness of Palin's poorly defended points), she is trading away week by week that impassioned zeal that once made her dangerous for the WWE styled t-shirt slogans Palin has become so known for.
Who is pulling the bandwagon: Jesus freaks, homophobes, militant Christians. Jesus based tea party types.
Who should be worried if she wins: Iranians, military families, and gays (as her husband believes he can de-gay you with a few prayers and some other Jesus voodoo).
Herman Cain: current leader of the GOP pack, Cain is turning heads with his easy tone and fresh delivery. Sadly, what the Black Walnut has in style and grace, he lacks in substance and depth. Turns out his policy visions are as good as that god awful "pizza" he got himself rich shilling. Also, and this isn't too politically correct to mention, does anyone think the south (the area of the nation most crucial for Republican Presidential glory) is going to really risk the fate of the nation that they hold so dear by again placing it in the hands of another black guy????
Who is pulling the bandwagon: secular tea party types, Republican and conservative leaning independents tired of professional politicians making a mess of everything.
Who should worry should he win: Occupy Wall Street types, racists, lovers of quality pizza
Newt Gingrich: intellectual wunderkind of the GOP. Give Newt the credit he deserves... while the other candidates are nipping at one another to see which one will be a better fit for the shining armor they will wear to defeat Obama; Newt is busy actually dropping ideas on how to best fix what ails our nation. May not agree with all his policies, but at least he is making an effort. That said, he is riddled with baggage and has a real taste for high class pussy. Served his wife divorce papers while she was dying with cancer.
Who is pulling the bandwagon: the Republican version of a hipster. Conservatives longing for the good ol’ days of the Republican Revolution of the 90's.
Who should worry if he wins: inner city blacks, his current wife,
Rich Perry: Another hardcore Jesus loving, compassionate conservative governor hailing from the People's Republic of Texas that feels being President is part of his divine plan. Hampered by an odd inability to speak during debates, an effort to buy votes through the tossing of symbolic niceties to illegals, and the fact that he looks like what would have happened if an evil scientist managed to take a stereotypical slimy used car salesman and "mate" it with Dubya. Not the tightest of grips on the finer points of the policies he seems to feel will save us all. On the upside, he is known to always be carrying...
Who is pulling the bandwagon: Conservative Christians, Southerners,
Who should be worried if he wins: the condemned, opponents to the second amendment, logical thinkers, Mitt Romney (as these two really seem to not like one another).
Mitt Romney: name sounds like the spoiled rich asshole in a john Hughes movie that would invariably treat Molly Ringwald poorly. Seems to be always changing his mind as it benefits him at the time. Obama-care. Tied into Wall Street. Looks like he really wants to be in the Big Chair (which is reason enough to never let him have it)... presumptive 2012 candidate, he has the most money. Real darling of the Republican Party leadership.
Who is pulling the bandwagon: establishment Washington
Who should be worried if he wins: Rich Perry. Anyone pining for a smaller less active Executive (and federal government overall)
Rick Santorum: He is still running???? Why? Did he always dream of being VP or something (should Romney win, see him make a pass at Santorum for Veep in order to appease conservatives).Also, he looks like he is smelling a fart.
Who is pulling the bandwagon: his wife, maybe his kids...
Who should worry if he wins: He won't.
Ron Paul: libertarian darling and civil liberty canary in the mine, Ron Paul is the crazy uncle of the GOP. While in previous attempts to take the highest seat in the land Paul was treated more like a butt of a joke as opposed to a legit candidate for President, the recent happenings in the economy, the fight over the debt ceiling, and an overall displeasure with the corrupt existence of our nation's capital has drawn more thoughtful looks to some of his formerly thought to be mad points. And even with this new level of gravitas, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell he gets elected president.
Who pulls the bandwagon: Texas hipsters, potheads who have day jobs, Libertarians
Who should worry if he wins: the Federal Reserve, bureaucrats, and members of the Military-Industrial Complex