I think as Americans we have "little Brother" syndrome when it comes to our sister nation across the pond. For whatever reason, and I am sure I am not alone in my thinking, whenever I think of the Brits I think of people of dignity, class, and grace... not a bunch of fat, lazy, sloths like we Americans. But alas, apparently all nations have their little shames and dirty little secrets. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the Chawner family.
Meet Philip, Audrey, Emma, and Samantha Chawner, citizens of Blackburn, England. These people are fat. Not wash themselves with a rag on a stick fat... except maybe Samantha, whom we believe is taking the words of others in her acceptance of being a womyn... but fat none the less. And these fat people, because of Great Brittan's heavy socialist policies are getting paid for being disabled because, well, they are fat.
"What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table. It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more," says Mr. Chawner, about his family's economic strain. Apparently Mr. Chawner and his wife have not worked in eleven years, yet they weigh a paltry 24st (24 stones or roughly 336 lbs). And while to us Americans, a fat person does not get the right to say he is too fat to work till he cracks the five hundred pound marker, in Europe it is apparently different. His daughters, Emma (19 years old, 17st or 238 lbs) and Samantha (21 years old, 19st or 266 lbs) also do not work, both on some sort of public program to help find their fat asses work. But being too fat does not stop them from having a good time, with the family claiming that they watch so much television that they have to take naps afterwards. Sweet life, no?
In total, the family gets about 22,508 pounds a month (which is the equivalent to a 30,000 pounds a year job). The family gets paid unemployment (due to their being too fat to work), disability (again, because they are too fat to work), and to pay for the medical treatments that they need (shocker... because they are too fat... you starting to see a trend???).
Of course, just like the fat chicks in America, the Chawners blame overactive thyroids and phantom food addictions on their massive weight (I am sure discounting the major roll Fish n' Chips might have played in their gargantuan state). Quoting Emma (the youngest): "I'm a student and don't have time to exercise. We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse we get in the streets, but we don't know how."
Because I am a lover of man, and having fought the battles with my own weight for most of my life, let me give Emma and the rest of her bloated family some good ol' fashioned American weight loss advice:
Emma, sweetie, losing weight is not easy, but the steps necessary to begin down the path are as easy as starting a journey as putting one foot in front of the other. Now you can go about this one of two ways: the old fashioned way of monitoring your food intake, making sure you eat the proper amount of each of the members of the food pyramid, including moderate exercise into your regiment, and making sure you work hard at this day after day after day. Or if you are too fucking lazy to go through the safest and most effective way to lose weight (which I suspect you and your family are in fact too lazy to do so), then there is the second most common American method for weight loss... a combination of crystal meth and the long feather. Just think, you guys can be all zipped up on meth amphetamines (giving you countless calorie burning energy bursts) and you can eat whatever you want (because after you get done doing so, you use the long feather to tickle those empty calories out of your tummy). A few weeks of this method and you will be slim limeys that we Americans know you can be.