Big Apple tourist staple and the man that made cattle rustlers look gay when Brokeback Mountain was just a gleam in some screenwriter's eye, The Naked Cowboy called a press conference to proclaim his intent to campaign for the White House in 2012. He plans to run on the Tea Party ticket, which, given his current profession as an underwear-and-boots-clad, acoustic guitar-toting middle-aged man, will make him only the 342nd kookiest member of the movement.
Robert Burck, his mild-mannered alter ego, stood behind a podium laden with microphones and an Obamaesque logo as he told the media he is seeking the highest office in the free world. His platform emphasizes sealing the borders, requiring mandatory drug tests for welfare recipients, rescinding the new health care bill and outlawing unions for government workers. At his public declaration, he bemoaned the increasing size of government and the "shrinkage of the private sector". If anybody knows about shrinkage, it's definitely this guy.
Burck also warned the populace that capitalism is under fire from the grim spectre of encroaching socialism. He vows to protect free market principles, because only in a market-based economy such as ours can any dimwit on the pop culture periphery stage a calculated publicity stunt disguised as civic engagement in order to propel his brand recognition. Hey, it beats actually supplying a good or service.
This is not the Naked Cowboy's first foray into politics.. He briefly ran for mayor of New York last year, but dropped out due to shocking revelations that he was grossly unqualified by even the most generous of standards. If a college degree in Political Science and a laughable fashion sense were the only prerequisites for the presidency, I'd already be in the oval office anointing Chuck Norris my Secretary of Ass Kicking. The funny thing is that Burck actually had a few inspired ideas during his mayoral bid. Writing on the Huffington Post, he pledged interest-free loans for small businesses, proposed a city tax holiday for businesses with 20 employees or less and chided trickle-down economics. Apparently, these sensible stands gave way to Tea Party zealotry over the course of a year. I hope those tighty whities are large enough to hide his shame.
The worst part of Burck's shenanigans is that he chafed when reporters lobbed the expected cornball questions during the press conference. They inquired whether he endorses Hanes or Fruit of the Loom and if he's just another deceitful politician because he is not literally naked. He dismissed these queries by saying "No time for games." The only thing more grating than a hokey street entertainer using a fake presidential campaign to gain notoriety is a hokey street entertainer who takes himself and his act seriously. His hair was cropped and slicked back, a crisp suit draped his normally-unclad torso and a smug look wrapped across his leathery face. While Burck's chances of becoming President rank in between that of Trig Palin and a virulent strain of Fungal meningitis, the only other naked aspect of this Cowboy is clearly his ambition.