The End is Near...


end-of-the-worldThe End of Days.  Armageddon.  2012.  Doomsday.

No matter what it is called, the idea of the end of Man's time ruling this planet has been predicted since- well...- since the beginning of time.  Earthquakes.  Fire from the sky. The Messiah's returns to Earth... all of these things have been predicted to bring life on this planet to an end, thus kicking off the next great Earth Epoch.  But just how will the End come?

Join us as we take a look at a few of the possibilities for the coming end to everything as we see just how likely they really are...

Probability #1: Alien Overlords returning to Earth to subjugate/eradicate mankind!!!

What it is:

alien_invasionAlso known as the "Alternative Intelligent Design" theory, the "Stargate" theory, and the basis for Scientology, this theory is just as much a hit in Hollywood production meetings as it is on Coast to Coast Am with George Noory.  The idea is simple:  Man, many hundreds of thousands of years ago, was nothing more than a slightly different monkey.  A little smarter, a little cuter... but monkey none the less.  But then the Aliens came (better known to us as the pantheon of the Ancient Gods) to show us the way. 

And by "Show us the way" what we really mean is infuse our primitive DNA with their intergalactic (thus more evolved) DNA and create a super-monkey (also known as man).  What they were trying to do was create a breed of half monkey, half alien creature capable of being a fitting slave to serve our alien overlords.  But then the "Gods" left (either due to some intergalactic happening lost in the sands of time or a slave revolt), leaving their creations to run things while they are away.  According to the old religions (and many of the more modern ones, to be honest) the Gods would return from the stars at some point and regain control of their creations (which I am sure will not come too easy...)

Why it won't happen:

As much fun as it is to believe that there is intelligent life somewhere in the universe, the reality is that until it lands on the front lawn of the White House and demands us to all kneel before them , it makes little sense to believe (let alone make plans for) them coming.  This makes a great plot for a sci-fi movie and apparently can be quite lucrative when someone is trying to invent their own religion (cough, cough Scientology...).  But when it comes to making contingency plans for the End of Days, there might be more likely scenarios you might want to prepare for before this one...

Probability #2: The Mayans were right and 2012 really does bring on The End!!!

What it is:

mayancalendarAccording to legend (as well as hippies and crackpots who listen to waaaaay too much late night AM radio), 2012- the "final year" of the Mayan Long Count Calendar- brings upon a great happening.  According to Mayan legend (or the ramblings of crackpot Doomsday theorists), this great happening is either an intergalactic alignment (which will do nothing more that bring about an era of enlightenment and spiritual harmony)or Apocalypse (as their Death God Bolon Yookte will return to Earth and bathe in the blood of the non-believer).  Needless to say, we would all prefer the former...

Why it won't happen:

humansacrificeWhile the Maya may have been a fairly advanced Ancient Culture- what with their understanding of complex mathematics and astronomy- they still were ripping the still beating hearts out of human sacrifices to appease their heathen gods whenever it did not rain enough.  Were they sharp for a primitive culture?  Of course they were.  But they were still a primitive culture, complete with their superstitions and their magic.  Is it possible that an ancient blood culture in the jungles of Mexico figured out when the world was going to end?  Sure it is.  But it is also possible that they made the calendar up to 2012 and said "fuck it... 500 some years should be enough.."

Also, if they were so fucking smart then why is it if they thought that Cortez was the very same God that is supposed to come in two years if they knew that he was coming on December 21, 2012 and not in the 15th century???

Probability #3: Death from Above!!!!

What it is:

meteor-strikeSpace may be the final frontier, but it also might be how our precious blue planet gets its ticket punched.   And, unlike the other ways for the world to end, this one actually ends the world.  The slightest change, be it on the surface or from above, could be disastrous for the Earth's inhabitants as well.  Meteors, solar flares, or having a rogue planet interfere with Earth's solar orbit have all been predicted by one person or another as ways in with the end will come to the Earth.

Why it won't happen:

dinosaursWell, um... actually it has happened before.  According to most scientists, it is the reason that we don't see any more dinosaurs lumbering around. 

Meteors and asteroids are constantly breaking through the Earth's atmosphere.  Thankfully though, they tend to burn up in the atmosphere.  Solar flares are constantly being fired off the sun into outer space (many of whom come into contact with the Earth).  But again, these flares are caught up in the atmosphere and never really get to do damage to the Earth's surface (or its dwellers).  But the odds are that at some point, there is going to be a really big asteroid or meteor that does not get burned up in the atmosphere or a solar flare that is just too powerful for the entire thing to be absorbed by the atmosphere and ruining the lives of the inhabitants.

And while it is bound to happen, take solace in the fact that when it does happen, you will hardly notice it, as the end will be quick (needless to say, this also applies for the rogue planet entering our orbit). 

Probability #4: Nuclear Apocalypse!!!

What it is:

nuclear_fireballThe idea about this one is a simple:  one nation hates another nation so very much that it is willing to kill the world in order to make sure that the afore mentioned hated nation no longer shares the Earth.  This attack leads to a series of counterattacks (all, I might add, with nuclear weapons) until a critical mass is reached, literally blowing the world up.  Should the world not crumble to bits under the megatons of pent up human aggression, then the endless nuclear winter, acid rain, and illness due to radiation fallout will finish humanity (as well as wiping off every other living thing except cockroaches)

Why this won't happen:

Other than the basic human instinct for self preservation, I have no reason to believe that this is going to occur.  Blowing up the world that is...

The Idea of humanity eventually nuking itself and blowing its civilizations into rubble makes sense to me, to be honest with you... But that would merely bring down our society, not destroy the world.  Would this option lead us to a bleak Mad Max styled future or cannibals and nomads wandering the countryside in search of gas and food?  Of course, though between you and me, I think it is going to occur with an Electro-magnetic Pulse [EMP] bomb taking out our financial records (and being that we do not carry cash anymore, this could be a problem).  But again, this only crumbles our society, but life (maybe not as we know it, but life none the less) will continue.

Probability #5:  Global Pandemics!!!

masks-swinefluA rapidly spread illness will spread across the world rapidly, infecting and killing most of the worlds populations.  There are some variations of the theory which have the infected not becoming deathly ill, but rather rabid and craving human flesh.

Why this won't happen:

Not so fast there hawse.  This is perhaps the most likely one to occur. 

If the whole Swine Flu hysteria has given me anything to be concerned about is that the prophets of doom are kind of right in claiming that a good illness could take us all out in a matter of days.  Swine flu managed to get from some shithouse in a Mexican pig town all the way to Europe (while infecting all four points of America and Canada along the way) in a matter of weeks.  And even with all the resources of the United States government (which are neither small nor ineffective) t still took six months to find a vaccine that might maybe work.  And this was for the flu.  Imagine just how much more disjointed and clumsy this whole process would have been if it had been Ebola or some other god awful blood shooting out of your eyes condition.  And what's worse, while it is more than likely to be cause by an act of bio terrorism, it is also quite possible that the epidemic could come from your dirty next door neighbor.

Probability #6:  The Christians are right and Jesus comes back to Earth.

What it is:

jesus on heavens throne webFor centuries now, Christians have been warning us about the coming of Jesus back to Earth, and how this time he would be coming like a lion and not like a lamb.  Well, what if it turned out that they were right, Jesus in fact does come back to Earth and literally all Hell breaks loose.

Demons, monsters, and every other kind of nightmare would be loosed upon the Earth, as the forces of Hell make one last ditch effort at trying to grab a hold of the Earth while the Armies of Heaven join Christ as he pushes them back from the fires from which they came.

Why this won't happen:

Christians have been talking about this one since the day after Jesus accended into Heaven.  Hell, they even have a whole book in the bible dedicated to it.  Now, of course if it does happen, it will be pretty fucking horrible.  Monsters and living nightmares walking the streets... demons plaguing the innocent... the Messiah and the Armies of Heaven and all the Dark Forces going at it on the field of Armageddon... it has a lot of hype to live up to.

But sadly, as exciting as it might be to have all of hell loosed upon the Earth, the ending has been predetermined and we all know who is going to win.  Much like a WWE main event, Jesus is going to score the pin fall on Satan, Triple H will retain the heavyweight title, and then there will be a thousand years of peace and prosperity.

flying_spaghetti_monster_2(Of course, that only matters if there is in fact a God, and the Christians are in fact worshiping the right one.  For all we know, those idiots worshiping the Spaghetti God are right and the end of the world will be nothing more than a loud, garlicky belch....)


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