How would you like to marry Michaela Dutton? Chubby, British, and with a daddy-less three year old in tow- Michaela has her drawbacks. But being a fat single mother with a mouth full of tooth decay is one thing... enough pints and you get past everything. But being unable to bathe is a horse of a different color.
It is a condition called Aquagenic Urticaria and it affects one out of every 230 million people worldwide. The condition is so rare, affecting only 30 or 40 people globally since first being documented for the first time since 1964, and has no cure. So what exactly is wrong with you when you have Aquagenic Urticaria? Well it means you are allergic to water.
Humans, made of 60% water themselves, need water to live. The most common element on the planet, it is in everything that we come in contact with in one way or another. And when a person, much like Michaela Dutter, has Aquagenic Urticaria it means that they cannot come in contact with water because they are allergic to it. The way the disease works is simple... when an infected person comes in contact with water they get painful welts. Sounds shitty, right?
But it is not just bath time which makes the afflicted suffer...
Michaela is unable to drink juice, coffee, tea, or most other beverages- as there is water in all of those things (Michaela keeps herself alive thanks to her body's strange adaption to Diet Coke). Should she drink anything with water in it, her throat will break out in blisters and swell up. When it comes to hygiene, Michaela jumps in the shower for ten seconds or so and jumps right out. The rest of the week she wipes herself down with a crusty flannel. Also, due to her freakish condition, is unable to hold or consol her son- his sweat and tears making her skin break out in a painful rash.
Truthfully I have no idea just what to say to this poor broad. No drink... no showers... none of the simple pleasures of life (like walking in the rain, going to the beach, swimming, ect)... what's the point in going on?
According to the Mail Online, there is nothing doctors can do for her, steroids and antihistamines doing little to relief the painful welts and blisters. Her life must be a living hell. And she lives in jolly ol' England, which from what I have seen in the films is always misty (which leads me to believe that her body is always covered in festering open sores along with a heavy scent of unclean damp dirty hair). Her life must be terrible!
So here is the advice to her from the Constitutional:
End it now, sweetheart.
When God strikes you with a condition that makes you unable to consume the one thing humyns need to live, then my dear you are not long for this world. And the little time you are among we the moist will be agonizing and very very dry. So you may as well just call it a day... and take your son with you (part of that whole British population control measure we discussed earlier...).