Scientology promises Superpowers to their Faithful... - My Man in the Sky is better than YOUR Man in the Sky…

My Man in the Sky is better than YOUR Man in the Sky…


Say what you want about these Xenu worshipping weirdos…

This cult certainly does know how to sell itself…

Why devote yourself to a Faith only offering you supposed reward in a Hereafter no on e can really prove exists when for the same amount of ball breaking (and admittedly a lot more electroshock treatment) the faithful might be able to gain wisdom, enlightenment, and become all knowing and all aware…

force-chokeYou are a Force Choke away from becoming an out and out Jedi (and something tells me Tom Cruise is clear enough to do just that)…

And who wouldn’t wanna be a Jedi???

I thought about joining the Church of Scientology once, about four or five years ago while in the middle of a long Saturday drunk.

I walked into the Ybor office (a rather nice and friendly Welcome Center where they offer a free stress test and cups of OJ and fresh baked cookies) and a rather friendly blonde woman took me by the hand and briskly ushered me off to a back table as quickly as the word “Hello” trickled out of my mouth.

She gave me my juice and cookie as she ran through her shtick about Scientology being able to open me up to my fullest potential thus allowing me to be the best ME I could be.

She then gave me an IQ test (a long and comprehensive test she claimed to be “official”. I scored a 129, which I was rather proud of (especially when considering I had been having a bit of a day up until that moment) and- following another serving of juice and cookie- whisked me off to the next station… the one where they get your soul.

She asked me some pretty basic questions… my name, my age, my drug history (as I guess she noticed I was a tad bit off and stinky from the several Black Toothed Grins I had been enjoying prior to walking into her door)… the kinds of things you would need to fill out an application in order to get me into the back to hook me up to the Stress Test (I assume to electrocute me and begin the brainwashing process).

She then asked me what would be the last question in my all too brief history with the Scientologists…

Scientologist: “So, is there anything you would like to know before we head to the back?”

Me: “Um, yea… when do I get to learn about Xenu?”

S: “Xe-who?”

M: “Xenu. Your god who lives in the volcano.”

S: “Sir, I really do not know what you are talking about…”

Her demeanor changed… all but her dull lifeless eyes.

I had not noticed her eyes up until that moment (in all honesty I had not noticed them because I had been busy spending all my time trying to look down her blouse.), but she had these big, grey eyes that seemed to have nothing behind them (not to sound cliché but they were like doll’s eyes).


She opened her eyes widely and pursed her lips.

S: “Sir, Scientology is a path to unlocking your fullest potential, not some religion based on the worship of an alien deity.”

M: “Oh, I am sorry… I must have been mistaken…”

S: “Yes sir…”

M: “See, it is for this very reason that I need this Scientology shit… Need Xenu to lay his tentacles or whatever he has upon me and clear my Thetas…”

She didn’t like that final dig.

S: “Sir, I am afraid I am going to ask you to leave…”

M: “But I was gonna join… I wanna be like Tom Cruise…”

S: “We don’t want your kind sir.”

And with that, these two much larger men flanked her; their steely gaze fixed upon me like a black kid in a Korean market.

I politely stood up and began making my way for the door.

I felt good about my little gag (though I did remember debating to myself if it had been worth the almost three hours I had spent there) until it struck me…

In my exuberance to get through the process (and I am sure in no way connected to the hashish I had smoked prior to entering the Reading Center) I had remembered to give her a fake name (which happened to be a name of one of my actual friends) but my real address.

I had not returned to that apartment since that day (fearing one of my jokes abiout Xenu and his existence might lead this normally secretive group to have to take action against the outsider who knows too much).


What Do You Think

Gay Marriage....

Our Friends Check Them Out


You are here: HomeNewsWe Can't Explain It Scientology promises Superpowers to their Faithful...