So today I was pondering on things, as I am apt to do while sitting in the bumper to bumper Hell that is my commute to my day job (cause as of yet, I have not been able to take over the internet let alone the world). My mind (due to the mindless chatter of the morning show buzzing from my speakers) keeps bouncing on the whole mess with Tiger Woods. See, I think I came up with a theory...
Now, by this point in the universe the whole world has heard that the Florida Highway patrol has dropped their investigation on the whole matter- mainly, I am sure, because they felt a little bit silly making a big deal about essentially a single car accident in a residential community with no major damage (and, let's be honest, a guy involved who has enough money to make sure that any damages done would be covered with ease). But that does not mean that before we put this whole thing to bed we do not try and figure out exactly what happened at the Woods' place last Thursday night.
This is where my theory comes in...
I think that you had Tiger and Elin, spending the whole day keeping this mess (the whole Tiger diddling known starfucker Rachel Uchitel in Australia thing) under wraps- what with it being Thanksgiving and all. They probably had some people over, maybe a bottle of wine or three. But after a night of eating and making nice, the guests went away and the gloves went off. Elin probably went after Tiger, well, like a tiger. She tried to scratch his eyes out, maybe slugged him a few times (explaining the bloody mouth and the split lip).
Tiger, not being an idiot (other than thinking that the most famous man in any circle he runs in being flirty with any broad otherthanhis wife would not be noticed), knows that he can't strike her back lest he become golf's Chris Brown and ruin an image he spent a lifetime crafting, had to do what any man in this situation (and many of us men have been in a similar situation) has to do...
GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE!!!
So Tiger climbed into his Escalade and started backing out of his drive way. Now any woman crazy enough to go WWE Diva on her significant other is crazy enough to have the act of getting out of that situation be the accelerant to her "Crazy Bitch Overdrive".
It is in that moment of uber crazy cuntness that Elin, pissed off and (again, speculating) grabbed one of Tiger's many golf clubs and swung it at the SUV, smashing out the driver side rear window and striking Tiger in the back of the head (hence how he ended up slipping in and out of consciousness), causing Tiger to lose control of the SUV, smashing it into the fire hydrant and tree.
The cops showed up, an excuse was made (which Tiger, not wanting to cause any further damage to his already sullied good name with the stigma of being a beaten man, went along with) and presto change-o!!! One perfectly pulled off cover up of domestic battery.
[it is important to note that should it have been Elin who was unconscious on the ground, and Tiger with the flimsy story garnished with enough circumstantial evidence to at least raise a few eye brows, then we are all talking today about Tiger Woods, the wife beating golfer... maybe making off color jokes about how poor Elin had a horrific life, knowing how much Tiger Woods practices and what a perfectionist he is... But I digress...]