The things we have learned through Tiger's saga...

Sad Tiger Woods   

The one thing that sucks about having a day job while trying to plant your flag in the new frontier that is the "New Media" is that sometimes the gig that pays gets in the way on the gig that your heart is all in on (though thanks to the fine people of Estonia which are making The Weekly Constitutional the up and coming site there).  And for the past week or so I have had a burning desire to comment on things, but alas when the mortgage is due and your car's engine explodes one must prioritize.  But now, free and clear, let's talk Tiger people...


Now this is not gonna blow anyone away to read that Tiger has been cheating on his wife to no end.  It's everywhere by now (even Estonia, which I as of yet have not been able to find on a map).  After two weeks of being the number one story on the news, gossip shows, and on the cover of every tabloid imaginable I think it is safe to say that everyone knows that you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some broad Tiger Woods diddled.  And while there is really nothing new to note, this does not mean we cannot take a few moments to reflect on the saga of Tiger Woods and maybe learn a thing or two...


Things we have learned from Tiger...


1). Despite being known the world over as a cheating creep and about to lose 500 million plus in a nasty divorce, it is still pretty freaking good to be Tiger...


Jaimee, one of Tiger's mistresses...Sure, since the story broke his carefully crafted public image has been trashed and he is about to lose a half a billion dollars to his now estranged wife and apparently every girl he ever batted an eye at it sprinting to the nearest microphone to talk about their relationship with Tiger.  But when they go in front of said cameras, all they can do is gush about Woods.  How endowed he is... how good and generous a lover he is... what an amazing body he has...


Even when this guy is outed for being a cheating fuck, he is still touched by God!


Hell, a few of these chicks have gone on to say that when they would have their dalliances with Tiger, he would pop a few Ambien and go at it with them.  Ambien... the drug that makes you sleep.  Not Viagra or Cialis... AMBIAN!!!!  This guy is so virile and so potent that even under the influence of prescription strength sleep aide he still knocks the bottom out of it.


2). Ain't Nobody squeaky clean...


The wise Allen IversonAllen Iverson has been saying it for years, but for some reason we all thought of Tiger as above the fray (granted, it was due to his own carefully crafted image that he presented).  But it turns out that the incredible Mr. Woods is just flesh and bone like the rest of us.  He was tempted by the pleasures of the flesh and succumbed to it.  To prove this a full blown truth of life though, Tim Tebow needs to get caught in a threesome or something.


3). Tiger's a fucking freak...


Tiger throwing a fitWe all knew that Tiger was a freak in the golf course, but up until all this nonsense came out I would have wagered real cash on the fact that Tiger had had sex three times in his life (his wedding night and the two other times he managed to knock Elin up).  And even when he did it those times, we (I am including you guys in this cause it is just human nature to not want someone to be too perfect) all would have thought that he would not be good at it.


[I know in my mind, I imagined Tiger approaching screwing his wife much the same way he would have approached a putt... lining up his angles, making sure that the wind was just right.. maybe even having to call his caddy for his input.]


But no more...


Turns out that Tiger may be a full blown sex addict, having sex with porn stars, drugged out sex after a long night of nightclubbing with Jordan and Barkley, and apparently nailing every nightclub slut and pancake house waitress who ever served him.  But this new found freakiness does lead me to wonder if when Tiger talks dirty, if he does so in golf lingo...


4). Looks really must not be everything...


tiger-woods-wife-elinAsk any guy in America, and we would have all thought that Elin was a stunning woman with an incredible body.  But that means nothing I guess when you have her.  Elin fell into what we at the Constitutional like to call "The Jennifer Aniston Paradox" which states:


No matter how sexually desirable a woman might be, somewhere there is someone who is tired of screwing her...


Now Tiger was not going Bill Clinton on us, nailing 2's when he could (and should) be doing better.  But the broads he was nailing all paled when compared to his wife and he still thought that taxing them would be worth half his fortune. Go figure...


Of course, these are just the finer points.  We also have come to learn that Tiger, despite his new found coolness, is really rather lame- begging his creeper to change a voicemail because his wife found her number as opposed to having a down low phone, like any third rate player or drug dealer.


We also learned that Tiger fucked up Cheating 101, where instead of having new stink at ever port of call, he instead was busy planning lives with his side action, which not only stung his wife deeper than any casual tryst could have, but also left a wake of jilted lovers (who all believed that they were the only other one); each of them scorned and desiring vengeance. 


There is also a lesson out there for the kids, as the word has also spread around that Tiger Woods may very well have a dumpster dick- apparently Mr. Woods has a problem with wearing rubbers (there is also rumors that he may have a love child or two floating around out there).


Keepin' it on the DL...


We are also seeing first hand as to what happens when a celebrity does not sack up and get out in front of a scandal.  David Letterman david Lettermanwas in hot water not too long ago for something very similar (granted, Letterman had nowhere near the volume of chicks coming out of the woodwork, but there were allegations that this was a frequent thing with him as well)).  But unlike Tiger, who has stayed out of the media and the public eye (word is that he is letting Elin's handy work heal up before talking to the press), Letterman got out in front of the whole thing and after a day or two f cheap jokes, it all pretty much went away. He owned it, and now Tiger must do the same.


Tiger needs to go on Oprah.  Nothing more, nothing less. 


He needs to go Oprah, talk about his philandering ways, embrace his human frailties (maybe tear up a little when talking about how he let his ego and craven desires hurt his wife and kids), and before you know it he is back to being Tiger Woods, swinging dick.


But the longer he hides for it, the worse it will be.


Tiger on the coursePretty soon he is going to have to start playing golf again (especially with that half a billion tab his taste for strange cost him); for his sanity and to repay those sponsors who are sticking by him.  And if he does not deal with this shit soon and head on, he will end up dealing with it out there and the public (the very public who once worshipped him) will turn on him and bad.  They will chant.  They will heckle.  They will make his life very hard (not to mention that right now, to the women of America he is a cheating bastard, unless he gets out there and talks about how unhappy he was in his marriage, how cold and business like his marriage was.. maybe put a lament or two about the passion being lost and that his quest for strange was nothing more than the extreme reaction to his lack of excitement in his marriage... Chicks eat that kind of shit up).


But here's hoping that Tiger gets out of this. 


No one was really shocked to learn that a professional athlete was caught having dalliances all over (we might be a little stunned that the dummy was out there planning lives with these dizzy broads, but it is a rookie mistake to be sure).  But if he gets out in front of this nonsense and puts all the whispers and frenzies to bed then there is little doubt that he will recover nicely on the back nine of his career.


I mean, he was as good as he was juggling a wife and kids and no less than ten girls on the side... Just imagine how good he will be with it all gone.


 

 

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