Ashton Kutcher snuck a picture of his wife Demi Moore in a bikini on to his Twitter. Fear not friends, this is not a lame story about that zilch's Twitter account. To be truthful, this "story" serves only as a nice start point to say as loudly as this website can allow me to...
ASHTON KUTCHER IS A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
There are few times that I am inspired to look upon this country of ours and taken aback by how amazing it is. And for those of you who feel differently, please have a gander at Mr. Ass-ton Kutcher.
Just look at that grinning idiot. Only in America could a pretty boy, with no appreciable talent, manage to find a way to become a multi-millionaire and media mogul. And Kutcher is. To be truthful, you can't knock the moron's hustle. He has been movies, convinced millions of teenagers that he invented the concept of the hidden camera show, made trucker hats popular, tagged enough starlets to settle himself down with a womyn completely made of aftermarket parts, and makes god know how much money shilling for Nikon. It is as though the man has been touched by God (or sold his soul to Satan)! As for his being a douche bag, I have nothing to go n but some stupid commercials he has done and that god awful Punk'd America could not get enough of five years ago, but I have a fairly strong feeling that if one were to smell him, they would smell rancid vinaigrette dressing. But none of this seems to matter. Despite a litany of things stacked against this moron, he has managed to become an American success story!
Sadly, just as it is with any American success story, there is always a sad side to this tale. And for Kutcher it is Bruce Willis. Oh how far John McClane has fallen!!! From swinging dick to part of the Kutcher posse. Willis is always around these two. And while he can say it is for the kids all he wants, that was years ago. Those kids have long moved on and there is ol' unclie Bruce, pokin' around waiting for Demi to get done getting pwned by Ass-ton. It makes my heart hurt. John McClane takes out the terror networks screwing around with his wife, not sits in the living room waiting for the slack jawed aggressor to clean up before granting him a smidgen of his time.
But alas, movies are fake. Good does not always over come evil. John McClane is not real, and the actor who portrays him is obviously a pussy (though there is a small part of me that really thinks that there is some weird four-way going on between the two parties, which would explain the whole chummy thing). And as confusing as the whole world is, one thing remains true:
Ashton Kutcher is a fucking douche.
And the only reason that we know he even exists is that he lives in the greatest country in the world, and as much as I curse his celebrity, I endorse the system that he obviously abused to attain it.