Oh Vince... I knew there was a reason why I could not avert my gaze away from the screen.
Doing nothing to shake his stereotype as nothing more than the common incarnation of the snake oil salesman of yore, Vince (the hyperactive TV pitchman known for his cracked out sales pitches for such wonders as the Sham-WOW and the Slap Chop) was arrested on February 7th for beating a hooker in Miami Beach.
In what sounded to me a lot like the back story for a forgetten about Chris Farley character (kids, watch Dirty Work if you don't get that reference), Vince was arrested in Miami Beach after he ran out of his room screaming in to the lobby of a Miami Beach hotel. Security summoned police, who has the unique job of trying to sort this mess out. Here is the just of what their affidavit claims (which can be found at the Smoking Gun, should you be that interested in this case). Vince (whose real name is Vince Shlomi) met up with Sasha Harris, the hooker in question, and offered her $1000 for a toss in the sack. She agreed and off the two went to his hotel room (we are sure after a few adult beverages were thrown back, because I am personally sure that there is no amount of money that can make Vince tolerable to be around).
In the room is where things got shady. Apparently Vince tried to kiss the whore (which is a no-no, as Pretty Woman taught us), which is when the whore bit his tongue and would not let go. That is when Vince went all Slap Chop on her, beating the monkey snot out of the hooker. Once he managed to get his tongue out of her mouth, Vince took off screaming into the lobby, got fitted for jewelry by some of Miami's finest which brings us to where we are now... with a huckster trying to keep this on the down low and a hooker (who was also arrested for biting his tongue) thinking about suing.
Poor Vince. It must be sad to be Vince.
Think about it. He makes pennies on the crap that he sells (and while he might sell a shitload of Sham wows and Slap Chops, he still ain't making Billy May's Oxyclean money) yet has all the headaches of a rock star. So he got a little handsie with the hooker. She bit his tongue!!! That's how he makes his money, by taking that silver tongue of his and convincing the rest of us that our lives are not complete unless we have the thingy that can peal garlic with a simple slap. Though if he is smart, this would just make him all the more valuable to Slap Chop... as the arrest does bring a new life to his claims that the Slap Chop is helping America slap it's troubles away (you could work out a whole angle where the Slap Chop helps build the muscles to better allow abused house froes everywhere to better defend themselves from their attackers). And for all we know, the whore might have been asking for it. How do we know that she did not start the whole hullabaloo by telling Vince that the Mandolin Slicer is a thousand times better than the Slap Chop. Or maybe she asked him for a Sham-Wow after he prematurely "finished" his sales pitch.
Either way... the thoughts and prayers of The Weekly Constitutional are with you Vince. You have saved me thousands this year alone on paper towels and ice cream toppings! It is the least I could do...