Jesus flippin' Christ... you would think that no one has ever wanted to kill their soon to be ex-wife during the course of a divorce. In case you have been under a rock, Hulk Hogan has garnered the media's ire as he had some choice words to be said about his divorce with his wife, Linda in a recent Rolling Stone interview. And believe you me; I have a few choice words for anyone who is taking what he said the wrong way, because there is nothing wrong with not liking your ex-wife... especially when you're Hulk freaking Hogan.
"You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it." Those were the words that Hogan said to the Rolling Stones. But when the tease was sent out to the media sources, all America got was "I could have done like OJ". Others did not even get that much, with headlines and lead ins claiming that the Hulkster could see OJ's perspective.
Of course these quotes lead to reports that Linda, Hogan's estranged wife, was freaking out, fearing for her life, and going into hiding (which is probably code for hanging out in a Las Vegas casino spending your soon to be ex-husband's last remaining sheckles with your nineteen year old punk boy toy). But according to Hulk Hogan, those quotes were taken out of contexts.
In an exclusive interview with Fox 13's Debbie Bowden, Hogan sets the record straight; pointing out that the quote was taken out of context:
"The writer asked me, 'Didn't you ever want to flip out, didn't you ever want to do the Hulk Hogan thing like in the ring,'" Hogan explained. "Of course, you know there's that male instinct that you'd love to get him in the ring. I could have even gone out and done like O.J. Simpson, but I chose not to. I chose to take the high road because I walk in the spirit of Christ. I'm positive, and I'm away from that whole negative marriage."
It was after saying those words that the WWE Hall of Famer went on to say how he could see what would have driven OJ to chop his wife's head off.
Hogan also went on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show to clear the air a little further on the matter. Hogan claimed that Linda had changed her flight on Tuesday before the story was made public. He also went on to state that Linda has been in hiding for weeks, attempting to avoid a deposition attempting to lower her $40,000 a month check that Hogan has to stroke to her just for having had the pleasure of having the 26 inch pythons on her arm! I am not too sure about you people reading this, but personally I would have to kill someone I had to pay $40,000 a month too. What entitles this womyn to 40 grand a month??? Did she have to body slam the 9th wonder of the world? Did she have to feud with Roddy Piper, Randy Savage, or the Ultimate Warrior? Did Linda Hogan convince millions and millions of lil' Hulkamaniacs to take their vitamins and say their prayers? No. All she did was take the right gamble on the right carnie worker. It was either Hogan or the meth head running the Tilt-a-Whirl ...
Now, OK... maybe telling the douche nozzle from Rolling Stone that you understand why OJ would have wanted to kill his wife is not the best idea in the world... especially when you are going through a high profile divorce that is getting very ugly and very contentious. But what is wrong with that? Having gone through a divorce that was less than pleasant myself, let me say that I too could see OJ Simpson's reasons why. What man going through a divorce could not see that fantasy? You're getting divorced for a reason, and it probably isn't that the relationship was too sound and you and your ex were getting along too well. Usually marriages end because the husband thinks the wife is a cunt and the wife thinks the husband is a dick and the one thing that the two sides can see eye to eye on is that things would be a lot better if one of them would just drop off the face of the Earth.
Hogan admitted on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show that the quotes about OJ were bad shtick he has used a thousand times over when asked about his very nasty public divorce. He has consistently been quoted stating that it is not him who is making all this horrific press but rather his disaster of a wife listening to the bad advice of money hungry lawyers intent on bleeding Hogan dry before the victim of his son's accident (you remember John Graziano, the guy who fell into a coma after a street racing accident in Nick Hogan's [Hulk Hogan's son] car) can get his hands on the fortune.
If anything, all this story does is call for a reform to the way that our nation handles divorces. The Hogans are not the first family to be literally torn limb from limb in ugly bitter fights between former lovers and to have a playing field where the odds are so grossly tipped to an unfair favor would be enough to lead even the most stable of men into bitter anger. Hogan wasn't foretelling future actions. He is a good man being taken to the cleaners by a God awful Succubus intent on taking every cent the man has bled to earn and running his good name through the gutter along the way. But those things will all be sorted out in court, and hopefully Linda Hogan will get what she has coming to her.
As for Hulk Hogan... I would not waste a moment's thought on it. Any second, he will hear the love and support of all the little Hulkamaniancs from out in the hinter land. He will do that thing he used to do where he would put his hand to his ear so he could hear all four corners of the arena calling out his name, his chiseled body shaking from the energy coursing through it. "Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!" we his people, will scream, giving him the invincibility of believing in him, willing him to be greater than ourselves. That will of course lead to the infamous finger wag, the tell tale sign that Hulk Hogan has finally had enough of this bullshit, shaking off the feeble attacks of his opponent. Then he will unleash the power of the Big Boot, only to be followed by the unstoppable Big Leg Drop (for as we all know, no one kicks out of a Big Leg Drop) and it will be as easy as one, two, three.
Granted, I will be the first to feel pretty silly when he finally does lose him mind, a combination of the stresses of the divorce and years of steroid abuse finally taking their toll on his mind, and he actually does hack up Linda and her pretty boyfriend. Wouldn't blame him for it... but I will feel pretty silly.