Thom and a fat boy share a humiliation...

puppy-loveWe all remember those first few puppy loves we felt…

The head spinning, the clammy hands, the having your mind constantly on that special someone…

The terror of knowing you have something HUGE to tell them yet knowing there is no way you could ever get it out to them.

Some of us just manage enough courage to go and spit out a few poorly thought out phrases; the nerves between the two palpable to all. Others shrink off to the corners- their shyness and insecurities outweighing their desire.

Then there are those who feel that such a moment in time warrants the status of “Dare to be Great” and rise up to meet it… With many of them flaming out in the most spectacular of ways.

And now thanks to some heartless cunt out there, we get to see an epic one.

Check out this video of a smartly dressed fat boy who figured nothing will express the feelings from deep within his heart quite like the lyrical virtuosity of Bryan Adams:


I would love to enjoy this with all of you fine people but I can’t...

I can’t do it because when I was in the eighth grade, I did this exact same thing.

And not just the exact same thing “I used music to try and express my feelings of love for a girl through song”… Anyone who has ever made a mix tape fonerd2r a girl before has tried this bit.

By the same thing I mean I sang this exact same song to a girl in a creepy manner.

Not the video concept, as I grew up in an analog era where wonders like YouTube didn't exist.

(And thank the god of confused teenage boys there wasn't… this poor fucker is never going to be allowed to forget this…)

But instead, being a sad boy with nowhere near the confidence to speak to women in a way that didn't stink of twisted desperation growing up in a pre-computer world, I did it all on the answering machine.


Everything I do...


It was the fall of my eighth grade year. There was this chick I had been crushing on for about a year; a young brunette named Stephanie V. But sadly, while she thought I was talented writer and a funny boy, she perfered spending time experimenting with those early sexual feelings with my friend and school cocksman, Danny A.

And so it stayed, with them being all snugglie and lovey- the quintessential school couple- while I stewed and watched from the wings.

But in the showers I took at night before bed, a different story was being told... and not the filthy one that one might think a lovelorn teenage boy would be putting together in those showers. In there I concocted this fantasy that I would one day be able to express my true feelings to her in song form and those feelings- communicated so perfectly in its combination of music, prose, and feeling- would turn her heart and mind, ushering in a new era of everything going right, love being felt, and finally... baby boy having himself a big day in the sun.

(It is important to note that it was around this time that I also had my first flirtations with marijuana and that perhaps these delusions were merely the gnarled thoughts of a rookie smoker with a weak head.)

Anyway, the songs rotated in that shower- GnR' s "don’t Cry" being the most prevalent.

shower-singingBut then this song came out... "Everything I do"... it was perfect... a romantic song that said everything i wanted her to know.

For weeks I would belt that tune out in the shower, so much so my parents thought I was really into it and bought me the cd for Xmas.

But the fantasy never got passed there; existing only in that magical time following my late night marijuana experimentation; the warm water droplets pretecting me from the shame and embarrassment i should have felt from such flights of fancy... until one lucky night at a party being thrown by Ashley G., the skanky chick (if by skanky we mean had boobs before the rest of the women) of the class, where she decided it was her turn to turn Danny's head and gave him a handy damn near in front of the whole class. (It was the gossip of the school up until what happens next).

This public humiliation was devastating to Stephanie. But to me it was Christmas and Fourth of July at once.

My chance had finally arrived.

She was hurt, vulnerable, and needing to hear words of devotion now more than ever.

This was my time...


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