So my chick and I are talking ass eating... I don't know how we got there... Ebola, I think, but somehow we ended up talking about the story on Deadspin, where Derek Jeter apparently likes to get on all fours and have his ass eaten (for the record, neither of us object nor doubt the validity of the story).
This naturally evolves to our own sexual proclivities, thus initiating an informal "State of the Relationship" address; whereby we both discuss our particular feelings concerning our sex life (it's a little trick we picked up in Marriage Encounter, in which a couple can grow together sexually by fostering an open and comfortable dialogue). Nothing major to report (not that any of you care), both of us satisfied with everything.
"We are very sexually comparable," I said to my wife. She was half listening by this point, blowing up produce or bubbles or whatever it is she does on that phone of hers.
"Yes we are," she replied flippantly.
"Yea," I replied, sort of trailing off as I said it; half watching an episode of Squidbillies as I spoke.
"It's a good thing," I said, continuing this state of conscious ramble I decided my wife needed to be burdened with As I watched TV.
"I'm pretty sure it's the sole factor to the demise of my first marriage" I continued, punctuating my though with a guttural chuckle; the antics of the cartoon squids somewhat distracting.
"What do you mean?" My wife asked. I'm not entirely sure if she had meant to, or if she was just running through a predetermined list of responses to utter during video game time. Either way, she asked it and for some reason I was fucked up enough to answer.
"Well, while my first wife had left a trail of havoc in the demise of our marriage, after years of introspection and reflection, I have determined that our sexual incompatibility was at the root of all of it. We just didn't dance the same dance..."
"No," I went on, still paying more attention to the cartoon than I was to my words.
"She liked it slow, I liked it rough. Stuff like that. That shit you like? The on your belly, ass in the air thing? Nope. It was like this woman developed her whole concept of intimacy based on the sex scene in Top Gun. Candles, slow humping to shit 90s slow jams, and eye staring... Lots of eye staring with that woman...
"Oh, and she hated oral sex. Hated it. Both giving and receiving. She never blew me. Not once, I don't think. And she let me me go down on her begrudgingly. But I stopped when I tasted cum..."
"You what?" My wife asked. She had long set down her iPad, too distracted by what I was saying (once she realized I was saying something) to keep playing.
"You tasted cum?"
"Yea, I was starting to go down on her when I tasted something... I dunno... cummy, and stopped."
"What do you mean you tasted something cummy?"
"Exactly what it sounds like. I stuck my tongue in her vagina and ran across a patch that tasted cummy. Or at least I assumed so, as I'm not entirely sure."
"What do you mean you're not entirely sure. It's either cum or it isn't."
"That's just it. I've never tried cum before so I. Not entirely sure what it tastes like, so it could have easily been some nasty cunny film she had built up as it was some random load. Either way, I chalked it up to her being a filthy pig and never did that act again with her."
"That's so nasty."
"I know. Why don't we stop talking about it?"
"You brought it up, asshole. I was minding my own business. You talk to much when you're high. So tell me... Was it glazed on the outside or stuffed in?"
"Are we still talking about me licking cum or doughnuts, cause I'm starving."
"For cum I bet."
"I'm gonna Ray Rice you if you keep it up."
"Sure you will. Glaze or filling?"
It took me a second before I answered. It had been a while since I had taught about this, so I wanted to gather every detail.
"She had gone out for a few drinks after work (she was a manager at Checkers at the time and worked the occasional night shift) and had come home a bit sloppy. She liked to make love when she was sloppy. We were still having sex at the time, so I obliged. She was feeling randy that day and she told me to go down on her, which I did. Rather ambitiously too, I might add, as I was maybe 19 at the time and had a technique involving little More than some tongue stabbing and a little sucking. My tongue goes crashing in but then stops, a foreign taste and texture detected. I stopped, rolled over, and went to sleep. I can still remember the taste..."
As I said this, my tone got low; my mind traveling back to that very minute. In that instance I was again a humiliated nineteen year old boy playing house with a thirty year old whose cunt tasted like some grill cook's jizz.
Needless to say, laugher wasn't what I needed to hear...
"Oh my god, she made you feltch some other guys cum. Oh, you poor little cuckold..." She guffawed, her iPad rolling off the bed with a crash as she jittered with delight. My wife has a cruel, cruel sense of humor.
"Maybe," I replied, hoping to spare some fragment of dignity from her gleeful assault, "there's a good chance it was crotch rot."
"No way. The she-beast was a dirty hoe bag. She totally raw dogged some fry cook and had you lick it out."
We both sat there silent for a second.
"There's only one way to know for sure. Have sex with me right now then go clean up your mess." She said. She had a giggle to her voice, but I don't believe her offer was entirely out of jest.
"I'd rather not," I said, finding it a little difficult to look at her.
"I've thought about it more than once..."
"I was just kidding about you cleaning up, weirdo..."
"Not recently. Back then. Like when after I would masterbate, I've debated just taking my tongue...." I said, pantomiming my masterbating into my hand then taking my tongue to lick the imaginary jizzum as I continued speaking muffled word sounds.
"But I just couldn't do it... Figured it might be better to not ever really know..."
My wife stared at me for a few moments, shaking her head in disbelief before picking back up her iPad from the floor.
"You are too weird..." She said with a chuckle, returning to her game as she spoke to me; her words echoing as I found myself reliving that night in my mind... The truth now becoming undeniable to myself any longer. I sat there spell bound and bewildered: fresh humiliation flushing in decades old wound.
I had an epiphany laying there... Watching my wife play as she tried to ignored me... I had licked some other guy's jizz out of my ex wife's vagjna... I was that guy now.