Thom Acee Explains Gang Bangs...

THOM-ACEEA friend posed to me a question late last night that I found a bit hard to answer right away. Granted, I was deep into a three joint rotation (thus making the simplest of thoughts complex), but it still made for interesting fodder (which I, tired of fomenting panic over Ebola, am going to share with you).  See, he has been trying to work his ol' lady into a "Devil's Triangle" (also known as "Chinese Fingercuffs" or "the pig on the spit", given the part of the country you hail from... Either way, it's a threesome involving two men and one woman, in which she is done simultaneously). 

To his surprise, his chick objected... But not how he thought she would...

She became righteously indignant, as he assumed she would; figuring any long term chick would be a bit miffed when presented with the demand of an extra participant gets slapped on the table. But that wasn't her objection... 

102014-gang bang-threesome"I'm not a porn star, darling. We can have a threesome if you like... I'll find the chick. But there ain't no gang bangs happening here, buddy." 

It seemed odd to me that he would be miffed by such a response; most men still jumping for joy over the idea of forbidden fruit being permitted to be sampled. But he seemed to be hung up on terminology... So much so he felt it imperative to seek third party opinion. 

"Dude, point of order clarification. We need a definitive answer. What exactly defines a "gang bang'?" He texted, filling me on the particulars of the debate. 

I pondered on this; obviously assuming my answers'  clarity would perhaps be all that stands between my friend and the fruition of a sexual fantasy.

102014-gang bang-gb-sw"Well," I start,"what you described isn't a gang bang. It's a threesome, a Devils Triangle to be specific. High level stuff (as its two pricks and one chick)... Requires a little more coordination, but hardly as depraved as a gang bang." 

"So then what's a gang bang?" He replied. 

"I'd say it starts at a prick to hole ratio of 3:1." 

"Can it just be blowjobs?" 

"No, that's the Circus Seal Treatment. Has to be groin penetration."

"So it can be anal?" 

"I guess, but by the second prick it defeats the purpose of anal, don't it? Either way, we're getting away from it. Gang bangs start at a holding pattern." 

"Well what if she's jerking them off?"

"That's just a waste of time..." 

"No, while fucking. What if she's giving out handies?" 

This paused me yet again, forcing intersection on the matter (a nice way of saying I needed a bong rip to keep going). 

102014-gang bang-puppets

"Well, so long as they are waiting for their number to come in the cunny line, I guess it's still a gang bang, technically. But if it's a situation where everyone is getting serviced simultaneously and there's no one untouched as they wait for their turn, I would say that's group sex as opposed to a gang bang."

"Bullshit... That'd be an orgy." 

"Nope. It's only an orgy if you guys start pairing off midway then maybe swap if you're up to it."

"Isn't that the same thing? That feels like the same thing."

"Nah man... It's like that SAT shit. All gang bangs and orgies are group sex, but not all group sex is an orgy or a gang bang. I think you need a queue for the cunny is required to have a gang bang."

"So she was wrong?"

102014-gang bang-statue"Not necessarily... The scene walks a fine line. So long as it's just one in the mouth, one in the cunt... That's a threesome. But if one of you finds yourself waiting on the other for your turn, then it's a gang bang." 

There was silence for a moment; no doubt his end of the line being torn as my answer gave her point substance. 

"What if it's one in the pussy and one in the ass?"

"Then you and that other guy are just interested in fucking one another and the woman is just the proxy by which you two closet queens are utilizing. But, still technically a threesome." 

"But not a gang bang..."

"Exactly. Gang Bang is reserved for any groin region sex with a waiting list."

He stopped texting after that. I assume I was of help. 

 

************

102014-gang bang-cuffsBy now, I'm sure you're asking what's the point... And as a sum of its parts, yes, it is safe to say this is utterly pointless. But as for the parts themselves???? 

Well we learned I have a friend headed straight for a divorce (and apparently a cuckolding to wash it all down). We learned that I really had nothing more to write about today... But more important, we may have finally settled the age old debate between an orgy, group sex, and a gang bang. 

 

Now go fuck yourselves... 

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