So the other day I get home from work in hear my broad busting a seam while looking at something on the computer. Loving a good laugh, I was curious as to what my wife was seemingly losing her mind over.
It wasn't a new YouTube video or a nice e-mail joke that was making the rounds that managed to coax an undeserved laugh due to being at the right place at the right time, but a very unfunny list.
“Reasons why chocolate is better than men”
I'm sure you've seen it before. It's one of the million horrid Internet lists that rare their ugly heads about every three years or so. Unoriginal, cheesy, and dripping with bad shtick, the fact that my wife is laughing at this in some ways disappointed me more than had I found her balls deep on my neighbor.
“Chocolate is dark, rich, and satisfying...”
This is what my broad losing her mind over.
Shitty, unfunny quips.
When a pointed this out to her, she replied to me “You write for a website. If you hated so much, why not make up your own...”
And indeed I did. So gentlemen (as I'm sure no ladies are to make it this far), I am pleased to present to you…
Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Women
- Chocolate never yells at you for eating it too much or too little.
- Chocolate doesn't get its feelings hurt when you compare its appearance to that of warm runny shit.
- Chocolate doesn't press charges if you have it when you're not allowed to.
- Chocolate is good anytime of the month.
- Chocolate doesn't smell like fish.
- Your girlfriend won't be pissed if you tell her you want to bring chocolate into the bedroom.
- Claiming you like white chocolate as opposed to dark chocolate doesn't result in social stigma.
- Chocolate never fucks your friends.
- Just because chocolate is darker doesn't mean it's more inclined to be bitchy or sassy.
- Leaving nuts inside of chocolate doesn't result in 18 years of paying for it.
- Chocolate doesn't make you watch Beaches or Sex in the City.
- You can let your friends have a piece of your chocolate and it won't get all weird.
- Chocolate doesn't speak... ever.
- It's not illegal to buy chocolate.
- Saying “I love you” doesn't result in chocolate gaining 25 pounds.
- A Snickers bar doesn't cry uncontrollably if he catches you eating Three Musketeers.
- Eating cheap chocolate doesn't result in a low T-cell count or suppressive pill regiment.
- You'll never threaten to throw a Snickers bar down the stairs because of an unexpected Hershey's Kiss arrival.
- Cutting chocolate out of your diet doesn't result in you losing 50% of all your assets.