Some of you who read this website from time to time might have come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist and only foresee the worst when it comes to the fate of America and eventually the world. And you might be right. Truthfully, every day that I wake up and there are not Chinese tanks rolling past my house I consider a win. But some of you do not understand why I feel the way I do about the fate of our nation. But I am about to change your mind. So help me, if you follow the link below you too will be forced to see that the end of our mighty nation is imminent.
Ladies and gentlemen... I give you...
For those of you who have not been treated yet to this wonderful piece of "As seen on TV" crap, the JumpSnap is the new latest and greatest way for fat yentas to fail at losing weight. The basis for this item is simple. America is a nation of big fat pigs who desperately need to lose weight. And as anyone who has seen a Rocky movie knows there is no better form of exercise than jumping rope. But for the truly fat, jumping rope is not only embarrassing (due to the floppage of their big fat breasts and bellies) but can be painful (imagine all that loose sloppy weight bouncing around on weak unsteady knees). Enter the JumpSnap, the rope less jump rope!
How about that for a kick in the twat... a rope less jump rope.
See... the JumpSnap is rope less because it does not even require you to jump! According to the infomercial, simply bending your knees is enough for the magic of the JumpSnap to take effect. Just think... a jump rope, with no rope, that helps you lose weight by jumping... or not jumping if you choose to. Just how much would the American public pay for such a wondrous piece of crap? Two dollars? Three dollars? Nooo friends... some asshole has determined that two plastic handles with a bead attached to it that counts "rotations" (which I imagine are hard to do as there is nothing to rotate) and well as calories burned are worth no less than $40 bucks (plus shipping and handling... sales taxes where applicable). But for that price, they will even through in a funny speaker that will play a noise intended to sound like a rope whishing by your ears. Don't believe me??? Well, feast you eyes on this horseshit...
Outstanding, ain't it? Recession my ass. If these clowns manage to sell one of these I declare this economic downturn officially over.
Not to be outdone, we at the Constitutional fancy ourselves capitalists and admit that there is no such thing as an original thought when trying to make a buck, so we are pleased to announce that we are starting to sell The Weekly Constitutional's JumpFit. See the JumpFit is the world's first invisible jump rope. Our crack science staff has been working night and day cracking the laws of physics to find a way to make things invisible... and indeed we finally have! From there we came up with a simple two step process to take your fat poo-poo body and turn you into a hottie!
The way it works is simple. Step one, you send us $20 and we will ship you out a package that will contain one invisible jump rope. Step two, you take your invisible jump rope and jump your jellyroll away!!! Don't like jumping you say??? Then why not just stand in place as those fat filled rolls of self pity and failure melt off your body, thus revealing the new you!!!
And if you actually bought a JumpSnap... kill yourself. The species does not need your DNA watering down the gene pool.