Thom Acee wonders about parenting...

In an effort to make sure that for the first time in the fourteen years that I have been parenting children that I finally get the nomination for Father of the Year, I decided I would do something other than convince myself that getting stoned and watching Spongebob Squarepants with the kids is being a good parent…

So this evening, while my wife took a much needed and well deserved few hours for herself, I took the reins on the whole taking care of the newborn.

I don’t mind taking care of the kid (though in fairness I have found myself once or twice wondering when exactly her parents were going to come pick her up only to remember that she in fact does live with me…). And to be honest, it is a gig I do relish in trying my hand at.

But- be it because of those darned maternal instincts or because she saw me snort half a Xanax- it tends to be something my wife will only let me handle in short, managed doses.

But this evening, perhaps because she has seen such improvement in my attention and focus on not dropping the baby, she relented from her normal stance of “absolutely not” and punched out.

I’m pretty sure she was asleep seconds after her head touched the pillow.

So I feed the baby and changed a couple of her shitty diapers and after a while (roughly two hours of introducing this child to the greatness that is Mr. David Bowie), she decided to lay her little head down and begin to drift off into dreamland.

It was touching, looking upon her delicate cherub face as she closed her little eyes and drifted off into the warm embrace of angelic slumber.   And as I watched this little gift from God sleep I had only one thought running through my head.

theori

Thank fucking God this kid isn’t ugly.

Outlaw the Ugly

I really do thank God that my daughter did not come out ugly.

Not retarded or defective or anything… that’s a completely different matter…

ugly-couple_130435217742I’m talking about those kids you see every so often while you are doing laps in your local Wal-Mart… Those poor little innocent bastards that did nothing more than just so happen to be the genetic bi-product of two people who probably should have really thought through the whole baby making process (especially with one another).

How does one parent one of those kids?

-are-the-chances-of-having-two-ugly-children-please-dont-have-kidsEspecially once they become teenagers; when they are old enough to know what they look like and can tell when they are being lied to.

And I am not trying to be an asshole with this…

I really do want to know how one can be the parent to the ugly.

Do you just come right out and say it, like the psycho mom in Carrie? Do you sit your son or daughter down once they hit a certain age, look them square in the eye and let them know that dreams sometimes are not for everyone? Or do you work more subtly; perhaps encourage them to work on things like being a good conversation or funny or something.

 

Books, covers, and the shit in the middle…

ugly-kid-trasah

We would all like to believe that this is a world where the old adage of “no one judges a book by its cover”…

But it’s not…

We live in a superficial world… a cruel world where- despite the words of politicians and special interest groups- we are still very much living under the firm grip of prejudice… the prejudice of fuckability.

SusanBoyleIt’s why we were all shocked that the Susan Boyle broad could sing as well as she could…

It wasn’t that her voice was historic in nature (she was good, but not special…) that made her stand out… it’s that there was such a beautiful voice was capable of being croaked out of that homely woman. Our culture teaches us that nothing good could ever come from something as horrific as that limey shut-in. So when she- fighting through all her humility and shyness- opened her mouth and belted out those now infamous lyrics with the voice of an angel, the world’s collective shit was lost.

This really wasn’t supposed to happen.

gingerIn the world we live in, it is entirely possible that because of someone’s physical appearance, certain doors in life will just not be opened for them.

No matter how good, no matter how smart, no matter how rich…

There are certain things that the Ugly will never be able to do.

We know that…

And all I am asking is if it is a parent’s job to then sit that kid aside at a certain point in its life and let it know that there will be limitations… And not out of some sort of cruelty, but rather out of compassion.

As hard and as awful as it must be (hence my thanking God for granting me the gift of a looker for a child as opposed to the curse that is having an ugly child), at some point a parent (the father I’m sure) has to sit that kid down and just let them know as gently and as lovingly as possible that there are just some dreams that it might be best for them not to hold on to…

“Now honey, not every girl gets to be the princess… some girls get to be the princess’s best friend… What’s that? No… the princess’s friend doesn’t get to marry Prince Charming. She gets to marry Louie, the prince’s plumber. “

(For the record, I am sure that there must be a similar thought process in the households where the stupid kids live...)

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