Thom Acee passes a piss test... - The Results...

Method #1: A gallon of water and a fist full of Vitamin B

monadnock_gallon_waterThe idea behind this method (and in truth all of the methods that follow) is to flush out the system of the toxins that your body is hoarding. In this method, the vehicle of body toxin flushing is the a gallon of water being drank in a hour in order to pass a test up to four hours later, with the vitamin B thrown into the mix to add a little color to the mix (as a urine too clear will draw up suspicions).

At first, I was kind of cocky about the whole affair… a gallon of water seemed like something that could be done in some sort of reasonable fashion…

I gallon in a hour…

Roughly 6 and a half 20 ounce bottles of Zephyrhills water.

But midway through that third bottle I was really sick of the taste of water… a taste that 60 ounces of water ago I would have denied to you existed. By the 100th ounce, it became difficult to swallow. Every burp that forced its way out brought with it a slimy acidic blob of water.

And what’s worse is that I did it for nothing.

Even after soaking in the pee for a full five minutes, the test came back an undeniable Positive.


Method #2: Cranberries- Nature’s liquid drain-o

I recall hearing about how drinking a shit ton of cranberry juice would flush the system clean (not just of the nasty ick that causes urinary tract infections but all those nasty cannabis traces.

Having been a few days since I had consumed a gallon of water to try and pass the test, I felt it safe and proceeded freely.

Drinking cranberry juice (which I had mixed to be a half gallon of Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice and a gallon of ice cold water in order to not make my urine too acidic- a condition known to trip false positives on drug screens) started out much better- and tastier- than the previous experiment with water… right up until ounce 100 again. By then, these wretched waterlogged rotten fruit juice burps would come bubbling out my throat.

And to make matters worse, it seemed that it was all for naught, as I still flunked the “clean screen” yet again…

Method #3: Catch more employers with vinegar than with honey…

apple-cider-vinegarMany of the message boards had a few variations of the water method (another one I tried involved using jello to color the tinkle as opposed to vitamins… Was not very good at all), but there were a few other ones (cranberries method as well as a slightly more long term plan in popping niacin pills a few days before the test [while I myself did not experiment with it, none of the message boards spoke to highly of it]) that really were talked up…

Not quite like this method…

And unlike the previous few methods which involved my drinking of gallons of water in an hour, this one seemed incredibly easy to me…

Two cups of apple cider vinegar followed by a couple glasses of water for good measure.

That is until I started…

Two cups of Apple Cider vinegar looks a little like two cups of piss, and when served warm the resemblance was too difficult to ignore.

So I put a little ice in it and chugged the vinegar down as quickly as I could (it tore my throat apart) and followed it with three cups of cold water, hippiesthen waited for roughly an hour.

The first test came back inconclusive, the second a pass (as in no drugs) and the third, a fail.

But be warned out there is you feel like this might be the solution be aware I also bring a warning… While it seems like this method might be worth the risk, it does come with a very real side effect…

This method caused me to shit my pants because (as it turns out) apple cider vinegar is the world’s greatest laxative.

Final Verdicts

In the end, none of the do it yourself detoxification regiments I tried did much more than make me hate the taste of water. The vinegar method (two cups of apple cider vinegar) seemed to give you the best shot at the-whizzinator2-wperhaps pulling off the rouse, but sadly if you are looking for more assurance of success than just something giving you the “best shot”, then plunk down the extra coin on those guaranteed to work masking formulations that you can buy at your local head shop (or over the interweb).

In the long term, those routes might end up being cheaper.

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