Thom Acee passes a piss test...

smoke-a-jointLast week, we happily reported that 50% of Americans favor the legalization of marijuana.

While it is undeniable that the attitudes of the people are shifting when it comes to marijuana, the same could not be said for nation’s employers…

It doesn't take hearing some entitled unwashed hippie screaming and yelling (in between drum circles maaaaaaan because the drums keep the soul centered...) about the difficulties of the job market to know that it is pretty rough out there, especially for a pothead…

And potheads need jobs too!

But there is a real fear for every burner out there pounding pavement in order to make ends meet…

“All we need now is a drug test…”

pizssing-potheadSeven little words that, when strung in at the end of even the most out of this world interview, can leave even the most qualified of candidates sweating through their clothes with worry.

Now there are dozens of products out there- from the simple enough "drink it an hour before" cocktail of test masking agents and an insane amount of vitamins and dietary supplements guaranteed (or else they will give you your money back) to make you test clear to those elaborate rubber dick/ frozen urine systems you see advertised for in the back of the High Times...

And it’s been my experience that (for the most part) these products do exactly what they tell you they will.

Sadly though, they aren’t cheap... most coming in at 50 bucks for an entry level product (and heavy users should just go ahead and drop down the hundred as the extra strength flavors cost more). And for the unemployed, fifty bucks may as well be a million.

whiz3

Clean urine…

There had to be a way to get someone’s urine clean without spending too much money on the project, I was sure of it.

Of course, the most effective and sure fire way to always test clean is to just not do it. People who don’t smoke pot never realty seem to be drug-freeworried about passing drug tests, so there must be something to that theory.   But to believe that in an America looking less and less like Rockwell’s vision and more and more like the one depicted in The Road, that there are people capable of not desperately searching out some way to find peace and calm for at least a few minutes in their day seems impossible to me.

So another, more practical solution had to be found…

I spent a few hours doing some research on the matter and came up with a few different “old hippie tales” on how to get the urine clear.

Eager to find out which one would work out the best, I ordered a few test strips off of eBay and (once they obama-bush-clinton-marijuana-smokersarrived in a timely manner) began the long and arduous process of making sure that I would not be able to pass a test.

I know… I know… I give too much to you, my eager readers…

But it is not for you, my friends, that I take such risks… (Not solely anyways…)

But it is for the name of Science…

*** While I am presenting the honest results of an experiment conducted over the course of a month, I am in no way guaranteeing these results. Guarantees are for those fifty dollar products that everyone knows works… this is shit you can do in your kitchen for fewer than ten bucks. Follow this advice at your own risk.***


Method #1: A gallon of water and a fist full of Vitamin B

monadnock_gallon_waterThe idea behind this method (and in truth all of the methods that follow) is to flush out the system of the toxins that your body is hoarding. In this method, the vehicle of body toxin flushing is the a gallon of water being drank in a hour in order to pass a test up to four hours later, with the vitamin B thrown into the mix to add a little color to the mix (as a urine too clear will draw up suspicions).

At first, I was kind of cocky about the whole affair… a gallon of water seemed like something that could be done in some sort of reasonable fashion…

I gallon in a hour…

Roughly 6 and a half 20 ounce bottles of Zephyrhills water.

But midway through that third bottle I was really sick of the taste of water… a taste that 60 ounces of water ago I would have denied to you existed. By the 100th ounce, it became difficult to swallow. Every burp that forced its way out brought with it a slimy acidic blob of water.

And what’s worse is that I did it for nothing.

Even after soaking in the pee for a full five minutes, the test came back an undeniable Positive.


Method #2: Cranberries- Nature’s liquid drain-o

I recall hearing about how drinking a shit ton of cranberry juice would flush the system clean (not just of the nasty ick that causes urinary tract infections but all those nasty cannabis traces.

Having been a few days since I had consumed a gallon of water to try and pass the test, I felt it safe and proceeded freely.

Drinking cranberry juice (which I had mixed to be a half gallon of Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice and a gallon of ice cold water in order to not make my urine too acidic- a condition known to trip false positives on drug screens) started out much better- and tastier- than the previous experiment with water… right up until ounce 100 again. By then, these wretched waterlogged rotten fruit juice burps would come bubbling out my throat.

And to make matters worse, it seemed that it was all for naught, as I still flunked the “clean screen” yet again…

Method #3: Catch more employers with vinegar than with honey…

apple-cider-vinegarMany of the message boards had a few variations of the water method (another one I tried involved using jello to color the tinkle as opposed to vitamins… Was not very good at all), but there were a few other ones (cranberries method as well as a slightly more long term plan in popping niacin pills a few days before the test [while I myself did not experiment with it, none of the message boards spoke to highly of it]) that really were talked up…

Not quite like this method…

And unlike the previous few methods which involved my drinking of gallons of water in an hour, this one seemed incredibly easy to me…

Two cups of apple cider vinegar followed by a couple glasses of water for good measure.

That is until I started…

Two cups of Apple Cider vinegar looks a little like two cups of piss, and when served warm the resemblance was too difficult to ignore.

So I put a little ice in it and chugged the vinegar down as quickly as I could (it tore my throat apart) and followed it with three cups of cold water, hippiesthen waited for roughly an hour.

The first test came back inconclusive, the second a pass (as in no drugs) and the third, a fail.

But be warned out there is you feel like this might be the solution be aware I also bring a warning… While it seems like this method might be worth the risk, it does come with a very real side effect…

This method caused me to shit my pants because (as it turns out) apple cider vinegar is the world’s greatest laxative.

Final Verdicts

In the end, none of the do it yourself detoxification regiments I tried did much more than make me hate the taste of water. The vinegar method (two cups of apple cider vinegar) seemed to give you the best shot at the-whizzinator2-wperhaps pulling off the rouse, but sadly if you are looking for more assurance of success than just something giving you the “best shot”, then plunk down the extra coin on those guaranteed to work masking formulations that you can buy at your local head shop (or over the interweb).

In the long term, those routes might end up being cheaper.